A New Mountain

I had serious doubts today about climbing the seven summits. I don't know why the thought originally crossed my mind. I do love adventure and the idea does appeal to me- but it's a significant time and financial responsibility that I would be shouldering for the next ten years. Not to mention it's dangerous. I think climbing Kilimanjaro gave me a taste of what being invincible feels like. I loved standing on top, feeling like I could do anything. I want to feel invincible all the time because I want to feel like I can conquer my health. But now I'm afraid that I'm doing all of this to run away. If I keep busy and if I'm always planning something in the future, I'll never have to think in the present and face my current situation and the fact that I am afraid. I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. I don't want to pretend to be strong anymore and I think climbing the 7 summits was my way of showing people how strong I was and that I was fine. I don't want to keep running away. How am I going to get better if I do? Doesn't everyone say you need to stand up and look fear in the face? I think I need to stop living in the future and come to truly accept my present. Shoving it aside hasn't helped.

So now I don't know what to do. I went to go talk to someone a couple days ago and they've really helped me think and shown me the power of mind over matter. I know that I'm so worried about all the strain and hardship I've put on other people. I can't stand to see them upset over me. I want to get better so badly so they can stop worrying about me. I am tired of being the person who needs help. I have always been the supportive person, and love giving people a hand when they are down. I don't want to be on the ground anymore.

So I don't know what the right thing to do is. The person I spoke with told me the power of saying no, even if it's to your best friends and even if it's to yourself. That's something I really need to work on. I really do need to learn how to relax and stop running around like crazy. I need to slow down, even if being busy is all I know how to do. I also need to know how to say no to myself. I've been so scared to say no about my summer and my goals, but maybe it's time to step back and just relax. I think I've made great progress already (my last physical therapy appointment went much better then last time) and I really am excited to see how the next months pan out. But there's so much work to be done. I think that's the real mountain I need to overcome and the real one I should be focusing on right now. My dad suggested a couple of days ago to perhaps stay and relax this summer. And I think it's time I finally listen to him. I don't know what I'd do without him and my mom and my entire family. I am so blessed to have them in my life, supporting me every step of the way. All I want to do is to be better so they don't have to worry about me anymore.

I know that this was a little over the place, but letting it out feels so good, so I can't help but post. I think I've had this horrible feeling in my stomach and now I feel like a big weight has been removed from it. There. It's out.

Bump in the road

The past couple of days haven't been too great. I guess it started Saturday when I noticed a little blood after I did my physical therapy exercises. It was nothing drastic, but the past few days I've also experienced heightened pain levels and can't put the dilators in. I went to physical therapy today and apparently there's many possible reason why I've backtracked.

The blood is one of two things- I either have a small tear or I inserted the dilator a little too far, which instigated that reaction. But, it's not a big deal and happens to a lot of women.

The elevated pain levels could be due to:
-stress (finals week)
-working out (have been going to the gym every day to get back in shape for tennis/climbing)
-Estrace (just started it 2 weeks ago)
-my time in the cycle (it's about halfway between my periods and this is the time my muscles could be very tight)

So no one knows which one of these or which combination is responsible for my problems. I also may have a yeast infection, but my therapist told me to just keep an eye on it now and wait to see if it gets worse. I've been taken off the dilators until finals are over, but I'm still on the Estrace.

It's frustrating to have made so much progress and almost feel like I'm back to step 1. And if this is due to high levels of stress and working out, then what am I supposed to do? Being active and stressed is just a part of my life, of most people's lives.

But I'm not getting upset yet, I think it's just a bump in the road, and hopefully a week from now, I'll be back on track.

Progress!

I've been to physical therapy twice since my last update and a lot more has happened. I found out the extreme pain I got right around my period occurs because my muscles contract (which usually causes cramping.) Although I don't personally contract hard enough to feel bad cramps, even the slightest contraction is causing my pelvic floor to spasm and clench even tighter. Interestingly, this is also why many women with vvs (self included) have yet to have an orgasm because our muscles tighten up (like they're supposed to), but they don't know how to let go and we can't experience that release.

That session was pretty painful externally and internally. But, I was still given the small dilator and told to do the XS for 10 minutes and the small for another 10 minutes after that. I've gotten much better at relaxing and it no longer hurts to insert.

Tonight the therapy was so significantly less! I was still hooked up to the machine to watch my levels, which is still very interesting to watch. I was doing so well and my therapist said I'm doing "Fantastic." So fantastic that she asked if I wanted to skip a size (small plus) and move right to medium. I seized the day and said of course, so now I'm collecting dilators left and right. They aren't cheap either- $25 each!! I have no clue what I'm going to do when I'm done with them...

So, in short, I'm moving up, and seem to be making sweet, sweet, progress :-) I hope it keeps up!