A New Mountain

I had serious doubts today about climbing the seven summits. I don't know why the thought originally crossed my mind. I do love adventure and the idea does appeal to me- but it's a significant time and financial responsibility that I would be shouldering for the next ten years. Not to mention it's dangerous. I think climbing Kilimanjaro gave me a taste of what being invincible feels like. I loved standing on top, feeling like I could do anything. I want to feel invincible all the time because I want to feel like I can conquer my health. But now I'm afraid that I'm doing all of this to run away. If I keep busy and if I'm always planning something in the future, I'll never have to think in the present and face my current situation and the fact that I am afraid. I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. I don't want to pretend to be strong anymore and I think climbing the 7 summits was my way of showing people how strong I was and that I was fine. I don't want to keep running away. How am I going to get better if I do? Doesn't everyone say you need to stand up and look fear in the face? I think I need to stop living in the future and come to truly accept my present. Shoving it aside hasn't helped.

So now I don't know what to do. I went to go talk to someone a couple days ago and they've really helped me think and shown me the power of mind over matter. I know that I'm so worried about all the strain and hardship I've put on other people. I can't stand to see them upset over me. I want to get better so badly so they can stop worrying about me. I am tired of being the person who needs help. I have always been the supportive person, and love giving people a hand when they are down. I don't want to be on the ground anymore.

So I don't know what the right thing to do is. The person I spoke with told me the power of saying no, even if it's to your best friends and even if it's to yourself. That's something I really need to work on. I really do need to learn how to relax and stop running around like crazy. I need to slow down, even if being busy is all I know how to do. I also need to know how to say no to myself. I've been so scared to say no about my summer and my goals, but maybe it's time to step back and just relax. I think I've made great progress already (my last physical therapy appointment went much better then last time) and I really am excited to see how the next months pan out. But there's so much work to be done. I think that's the real mountain I need to overcome and the real one I should be focusing on right now. My dad suggested a couple of days ago to perhaps stay and relax this summer. And I think it's time I finally listen to him. I don't know what I'd do without him and my mom and my entire family. I am so blessed to have them in my life, supporting me every step of the way. All I want to do is to be better so they don't have to worry about me anymore.

I know that this was a little over the place, but letting it out feels so good, so I can't help but post. I think I've had this horrible feeling in my stomach and now I feel like a big weight has been removed from it. There. It's out.