The good and the bad

A lot has happened since my last post, so forgive me as I just jump right into it.

I think mentally, I've been doing much better recently. Being back at school has a lot to do with it. I seem to do much better when I'm in a constant routine. I know I'll be in the same bed every night, I know what time to go to classes, to tennis, dancing, etc. Even though I'm the busiest I've ever been, it's relaxing to be in a set schedule.

That being said- being at school also brings a new set of challenges. I have two 3-hour classes, which make sitting difficult. This makes me so angry. I shouldn't have to worry about whether or not I can sit through class, I should just have to worry about the actual work I have to do. And this semester since I have 4 history classes, I'm averaging 800-1,000 pages a week. But it's something I enjoy- I just want to be able to concentrate on it.

Usually history class is a great opportunity to learn, think, and debate, and not have to think about my health. You would think vulvar vestibulitis and Women in 20th Century America would have nothing in common. However, last class we began talking about female hysteria, a common medical diagnosis 100 years ago. According to Wikipedia, "Women considered to be suffering from it exhibited a wide array of symptoms including faintness, nervousness, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and "a tendency to cause trouble". Obviously this "disease" is ridiculous, but for a long time women believed to be suffering from it would undergo a "pelvic massage or manual stimulation of the anterior wall of the vagina by the doctor until the patient experienced "hysterical paroxysm" (an orgasm.)

At this point everyone in class burst out laughing. Needless to say, I sat there upset and angry that #1- I had to listen to my professor talk about pelvic massage therapy during a history class and #2- everyone thought what I go through every week was so comical. Obviously it's not fair to be mad at the class because they don't know the circumstances, but I still find the whole ordeal ironic.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm getting better because of physical therapy. I can't tell yet. I think I've been having more problems sitting lately, but I also just got my period and didn't have nearly as much pain the day before as I usually do. I also went and got examined by my specialist and was able to better tolerate the speculum.

There was an email recently sent out about another psychological study being done for vulvar vestibulitis patients. This one dealt with relationships and the difficulties of telling new interests about your condition. I can sympathize with the many women out there who have to go through that. I've been trying to date a lot recently- for many reasons. Sadly, I think one of them is that I miss human contact. Every week I get poked and prodded by my pt, and every night I have to poke and prod myself. My body has just become a giant medical land- it's not mine anymore. As much as dating is exciting and fun- maybe what I really want is someone to take care of me. I try so hard to be strong, but maybe I do want someone to lean on. I know I have my family and my friends for that, but maybe something else is missing. The problem is, I don't think I'm going to get it anytime soon. I don't know too many people who want to take on someone else's troubles, especially when they are extremely intricate. That's why I continue to just detach myself and try to not get involved. There's only so much rejection I can take.

As silly as it sounds, I wanted to thank you for listening. You, you mysterious readers from all over the world. I am not comfortable throwing all this information to just one friend. I don't think it's fair. I know it's a lot, which is why I'm so relieved once I submit this post into the internet abyss. Then I can finally clear my mind and relax.