When you believe

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe.

I have never felt this hopeful or happy in three years. I finally can tell how far I have come and how much progress I have made. It hasn't been easy and I know my journey isn't over yet, but I can finally envision an end to all of this. I went into NY today for therapy and haven't gone in over a month now because of travel. It was the easiest appointment I have ever had. My muscles have become much more relaxed and the sharp pain is now localized to the very small bottom of the vulva. I think this will be corrected when I see Dr. Kellogg in two weeks and we start using estrogen and other creams to build up the tissue. But I cannot rant enough how painless this visit was!!!! My body is finally feeling the way it should.

Walking back to the train station, I could not stop grinning. In my head I was skipping, doing cartwheels, shouting, exploding with happiness. It really does just take time. I have been to PT with Stacey for a year and a half now and have gone through major hip surgery. We have been on quite the physical and emotional journey, but our efforts are working due to perseverance, dedication, and strength. I can do things now I wouldn't dream of a few years ago, even a few months ago. I can sit for longer than an hour without pain. I can be intimate. I can climb mountains. I am getting myself back. So I'm telling those of you who are not having a good day or are on the more difficult part of your path to keep going. Two years ago I was having a break down on my bathroom floor, bawling from emotional and physical weight. I could not even imagine that a day like this would come. But it can. Do not give up. Keep climbing.

Some food for thought

I sit out on the dock in solitude,
the steady sway interrupted by the drum of the waves.

I stare out at the watery abyss,
an azure horizon interrupted by golden hues.

I speak out through the descending darkness,
a driving thought interrupted by my uncertainty.

am I running away from myself,
or running towards my Self?

Back from the land of Oz

Finally back from my vacation and wow, it was great to get away. It gave me time to think and relax, and just celebrate life.

Surprisingly, the airplane flights were not too bad. I used the lidocaine patches for the longer flights and they did last the full 15 hours. There was obviously some discomfort, but it was easy enough to fall asleep.

I haven't been to physical therapy in weeks, and won't get a chance to go back til the first week in February, but I have been feeling great recently. I'm sorry for being vague, but I'm going to end here and go back and finally answer all your emails that have been piling up.

:)