It starts with a step

The past month has been quite the struggle, which is why I haven't felt like writing. I have also been moving further and further away from this blog because it's no longer serving as the coping mechanism it was when I first began writing. But, major changes have happened and I wanted to update about them. There have been many emails with questions about my surgery and how I am currently feeling.

Two weeks ago, I had my fifth surgery in Philadelphia by Dr. Meyers. It was a pelvic floor reconstruction and bilateral adductor release. The week leading up to the surgery was difficult to get through. I was very anxious because I did not know what to expect. There was also no other surgical orthopedic issues to address, which meant if this surgery did not help, I would have no other options.

The surgery has been more difficult than I anticipated. There were two 4 inch incisions made, shaped like a V on my pelvis. The surgery took about an hour and 15 minutes and I was probably in the recovery room for 2 hours, on heavy pain medicine before I was finally driven home by my dad. The pain was significant- the first few days it felt like someone had repeatedly stabbed me in the pelvis. But I went off the pain medicine quickly because I never like taking it. Overall, I think the surgery went very well. Dr. Meyers found more tears than he had expected, but they were also smaller than he had expected. He fixed those (located around the pubic synthesis) and released my adductor muscles. My bone was also much more inflamed than he expected, so I received steroid injections to rectify the osteitis.

The important component to this surgery was battling scar tissue. The day after surgery I had to get up and walk a mile. My dad and I measured out our house, and I did laps around the second floor, using a crutch to push in front of me for support, as well as my dad's arms. It was difficult to start moving, but once the muscles got warm from exercise, they actually felt better. Every day it became easier to walk- by the fourth day I was walking 2 or 3 miles a day. I have just started physical therapy last week. I'm going three times a week for 2+ hours a session at a local physical therapist's office. He is a very experienced orthopedic PT and I am so pleased to be working with him. It feels like such a privilege to drive 15 minutes to receive excellent care. Although he hasn't worked with anyone like me before, he has great experience with labral tears and this specific pelvic floor reconstruction surgery by Dr. Meyers. A lot of young male hockey players and wrestlers get the same surgery. Things are progressing slowly- I need to have deep adductor and piriformis "massage" every visit. I hate using the term massage because that gives the inclination that it feels even slightly good. The adductor massage is to break-up scar tissue that is forming from the surgery. It actually hasn't hurt too terribly because my muscles have been very loose. I believe I owe that to my dutiful walking every day. On the other hand, the piriformis is a whole other monster. Before surgery, my pain was coming solely from my piriformis and my obdurator internus. They are extremely tight, which makes sitting so uncomfortable. We're hoping the surgery is going to correct both of these problems. However right now my muscles are not happy about being put through surgery again. They have fired up and become even more tense, especially my piriformis. Two days ago, my PT said he needed a jackhammer to loosen them up. The massage has been on the border of being unbearable for the last two weeks. Today we used stim to help loosen the muscles, which seemed to work slightly. It was slightly easier to get through, and I'm considering that a victory. Hopefully they continue to loosen as I heal from the surgery.

Currently, I am trying to live in the moment, and take each day one step at a time. This surgery could possibly be the solution to all my pain, but I won't be able to tell for some time yet. So I am trying to be patient and trying to focus on recovery, like I always have. This is the third time I've had to re-learn how to walk, and I'll tell you that it doesn't get any easier. The worst part for me is the two or three weeks right after surgery. As much as I try to stay positive, I sink down and get depressed about dealing with even more pain and starting again from step 1. It's frustrating. I got very angry after this surgery and dealt with it inwardly, as I always seem to do. Sometimes, if I stop and think long enough, I think life is horribly unfair and get very jealous of the people walking around with easier lives. It's not right for me to judge other people's lives and consider my suffering much greater than theirs. The past week has been a real turnaround and I've dragged myself out of that hole. Self-pity, sulking, and jealousy isn't going to get me anywhere. Taking a step forward will. I'm continuing to walk as much as possible. Today I even ran my first mile. Ok, I lightly jogged my first mile in 12 minutes. But I had the biggest smile on my face while doing it. There is no better feeling than running for the first time after re-learning how to walk. There isn't. In those twelve minutes, I felt unstoppable and untouchable. I felt like I could do anything and overcome whatever life throws in my way. And even though I slowly hobbled to the mat to ice afterwards, I have never felt stronger. Those twelve minutes are a gift. But I would never have been able to experience them if I hadn't gotten myself up the couch and started walking. Keep taking those steps.