For the past 5 years I have stared at the candles in front of me and wished for the pain to go away. There were even a few birthdays I refused to leave bed because I was so defeated. Last year my pain levels drastically improved, but I still felt unsure about the future and scared of flare-ups. I was also still going prolotherapy and wasn't sure how many more treatments I'd have to endure.
I used to be frightened that I was in control of my health decisions- what doctors to see, what treatments to try, what medication to take. I wanted a magical fix, someone to take control for me and make it all go away. I didn't realize that I was the one who needed to be in control, needed to be proactive, needed to make lifestyle changes to maintain my health. I have finally accepted there is no singular solution. My body necessitates daily stretching, vigorous exercise, proper nutrition, mental strengthening, and commitment. I am completely in control, which no longer frightens me but empowers me. Not only has this experience shaped my professional life, but it's given me a greater quality of life. I am currently in the best shape of my life, and getting stronger every day. When I do have flare-ups, I know exactly what muscles are tight and what combination of modalities and stretching I can do to abolish the symptoms. Pain is no longer this nebulous and exhausting cloud weighing me down, but an identifiable problem I can fix.
I have been so focused on my health and school that I forgot to make a 5 year anniversary post. As I scroll back to my earlier posts, I cannot believe how much I have been molded and reshaped. It has and continues to be a transformative process. I have met some incredible people along the way and continue to be inspired.
What's even more incredulous to me then turning 25 tomorrow is that when I stare down at those candles, for the first time in five years, I won't know what wish to make.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
One glowing flame can
light a hundred candles,
and then a hundred times
a hundred more. I pray to
be such a flame, my illusions
giving fuel to what is real.
Light recognizes light,
and leaps to meet it.
May this sweet contagion
increase until light prevails,
and we all live in the
glow of truth’s illumination.
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