So I've been in California with the tennis team for the past 3 days. It's nice to be away from school and stress. The weather is beautiful and the company is great. But I'm still so frustrated with my limitations. The plane ride over here wasn't that easy- it was a six hour flight. I started having problems about 4 hours into the flight, but luckily I was able to convince the flight attendants to give me a bag of ice. My flight to Tanzania this summer will be 26 hours, so I have a long way to go. But I will be much better by then because nothing is preventing me from going to Africa.
I'm still having problems dealing with this "invisible pain." I don't want to act depressed or upset all the time, however I also don't want to pretend that I'm perfectly fine. Sometimes I wish I had an illness that people could see, a big bleeding wound, a broken bone, a shirt that says YES I AM IN PAIN NOW, anything. That's why I think I like the cushion so much because it's the physical representation of my pain. I feel that when people see me bring it everywhere they are reminded that I am still suffering. On the other hand, I'm not asking for people's pity. I don't want people to feel sorry or guilty. I just want them to understand why I can't be myself all the time.
So far I have no results from the medication- I hate applying both of them. Inserting the Estrace is almost unbearable. I am not looking forward to it tomorrow night. But I really can't complain. I'm in California for 10 days with some great girls. They have been so understanding and genuine about the whole matter. I'm so glad I'm spending my Spring Break with them. Sarah wants me to mention I made her a delicious s'more about 5 minutes ago. It just feels so good to be comfortable and open with them. And they all have been reading this blog, which alone is a such a huge gesture for me. I thank all my friends who have been reading.
Our first tennis match is tomorrow and I hope it goes well. When I'm playing tennis, I am distracted and forget about the pain. It brings me a sense of peace and also brings a sense of order in my life. I focus on playing a great sport and spending time with the best group of girls I could ask for. I couldn't stop playing for the world. It's one of my biggest support systems now.
3 comments:
Hi Tamra, have u been checked for pelvic floor dysfunction? This may be causing your vulvodynia. The symptoms are vulvar pain/burning, pain during sex and more. It is agravated by sitting, sports and sex. The treatment is pelvic floor pysiotherapy. Heres a website that may help you out~
http://www.pelvicpainrehab.com/symptoms.html
so as others have posted i read your blog. i am very sorry to hear about your health, but i am so impressed with you for taking the time to explain yourself and to try to help others, which i can nearly guarantee you have already done, judging from the amount of comments at least. i had never even heard of this, so you are educating people as well.
and if anyone i know is a fighter, it's you. let me know if you ever need cheering up and i will do my best
hey, why didn't I get a s'more?
Have I mentioned that not only are you an amazing friend and teammate you mean so much to us. You deserve to feel comfortable around us and I commend you for letting us into your heart.
My love is always with you.
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