New Person

I want to make sure I don't just vent when things are bad or I'm depressed or in a lot of pain. Today was a good day. I began to apply the expensive mixture cream from Maryland this morning. It hurt badly, and I had to run to tennis practice afterwards. And for the first 20 minutes of practice I was so focused on the pain, but I finally told myself to stop feeling sorry for myself. I just focused on the conditioning and hitting and all of a sudden, I felt wonderful. I need to work on this more. I think I become obsessed at time with having VVS and I think about it way to much. That's why I'm so determined to keep my daily routine. It proves to myself that I'm still me and nothing has changed.

I think I've finally stopped withdrawal from the Elavil medication. I will never ever take anti-depressants again. I can't even describe how I feel now. It's like the old Tamra went away on vacation and is finally back. I don't know what to say, other than I feel ME again. Tonight I went swing/blues dancing in Philly, a hobby that I have refused to give up. Tuesday nights are my time to kick back, dance, and forget the world outside that dance studio. I don't care what state I'm in, or how much work I have, Tuesday nights are my medication. When I dance with someone, I'm able to have  such a connection - it's human contact I don't have to feel guilty about. Now that I'm single, I am very scared to date again because I feel I don't have much to offer and that no man would want to deal with this. Yes, yes, I understand that's not true, but I can't help the way I think sometimes.

Last night I spent an hour and forty-five minutes talking to Kate (who doesn't mind me using her name and is the blessing from last semester that also has VVS.) Talking to her was a breath of fresh air- she has been suffering for over three years now, and it is so useful to hear what she is going through further down the road. 

Although it's been such a great day, I've been putting off my second medication, which requires me to actually insert a cream. I feel like such a coward but I just can't bring myself to do it. I know I have to start doing it tonight to help myself get better. But it's just difficult to inflict so much pain on yourself. But I have to just take a deep breath and go do it now. At least it's only twice a week.

And I have so much to look forward to. I've already reached my low point, so things can only get better. I'm leaving for California with the tennis team on Saturday for 10 days over break. I'm going to spend five weeks in Tanzania this summer doing research with my professor on Mt. Kilimanjaro about global warming. I'm going to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. Nothing is going to stop me from living my life.

If anyone else ever feels they can't possibly fight any longer, I want you to listen to this song. It's become the new soundtrack of my life.

"Don't Give Up, You Are Loved"- Josh Groban