Bitter at the Gynecologist

Today I had to go for my annual gynecologist appointment back home. I apologize for the long rant, but I'm sure many of you will feel my frustration. I think what scares me the most is how bitter I've become. A year ago, I loved my gynecologist. She's a great person- helpful, intelligent.. etc. But I was so frustrated that I had to go to this appointment when I've been going almost once a week in three different states to see people for the past year. My specialist wanted me to still go to this appointment to keep a special relationship with my gynecologist. Why I can understand the importance, my main concern is getting better first.

The assistants and doctors were so nice to me, but I kept giving them the cold shoulder. If they knew what I've been dealing with every day for over a year now, I don't think they'd be so smiley and try to joke with me. When my gynecologist came in, she asked me how I was doing. I said I've been better and proceeded to try my best to catch her up on my entire year in about 5 minutes. I didn't feel like talking about it in detail to her. Then she gave me a smile and said besides all that, how are you? Besides all of that?? That is my life right now! I can't just seperate it and put it to the side and look at everything else. It has affected everything for the past year.

Trying to keep my composure, I calmly asked for the child-sized speculum, but it still hurt like hell going in. She kept making comments about how amazing it is that it hurts so much and how much worse it is from last year. Yes, thank you very much. I'm well aware of all of this. Then after talking with me and examining me, she asks if I want to get tested for chlamydia and some other STD's. I'm sorry, but HELLO?? If I can't even handle a q-tip right now, do you honestly think I need to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases? First strike. Then she asked me how often my boyfriend and I were having sex. Two more strikes. When I told her that relationship was over, she looked at me like I was some poor abandoned puppy dog. I really don't need you to feel sorry for me. I just want to get out as quickly as possible.

After all of this, she still wanted to talk about vulvar vestibulitis, clearly not understanding that I did not. I have to talk about it to other doctors constantly and don't see why she needs anything other than the information I gave her. What I disliked the most was she tried to educate me about VVS and topics like surgery and physical therapy. First of all, she mispronounced so many words and clearly did not know anything other than the basic information. I don't like when people try to teach me something they don't know, especially when I've become almost an expert on the subject. Please just do my pap smear and let me go on my way and be in peace. I don't want to spend forever in your office. I swear my vagina has a mind of its own and my pain levels go up once I set foot in a doctor's office, because it knows what it's going to have to go through.

My gynecologist gave me this big smile when I walked out, which I just couldn't return. I really hope she understands why I don't feel like smiling and have turned into this Scrooge of the gynecologist office. While walking out, I saw two pairs of mothers and young daughters sitting in the waiting room. The daughters had their hands crossed over their body and looked irritated, like they couldn't believe they had to be here with their mothers. I wanted to run in front of them and jump up and down screaming- STOP LOOKING LIKE THIS IS TORTURE, BECAUSE IT ISN'T! TRUST ME- THERE ARE SO MANY WORSE THINGS THAT COULD BE WRONG WITH YOU NOW. Cherish these easy gynecologist visits. I would do anything to go back to them. That's probably why I got so upset- I want back to the place where it all began. The last time I was here, I was just starting to get sick. It kills me that I used to be those normal girls sitting on the couch, who went in and out for their appointment. Now I'm cushion girl- who can't check "No" to all the questions they give you before your visit, who gets all the questions, who's so different from everyone else. I hate it.

So, I've become bitter. Not all the time. I've been quite happy recently and doing fun things and planning great things for this summer. But, I've become pretty bitter about being sick. And I seem to be taking it out on many people at very random times. So, I apologize, especially to all my family and friends who have had to put up with me for over a year now. I love you all more than you can imagine and would be lost without you.