Namaste

It seems people are more naturally inclined to expend energy complaining than complimenting. I noticed that when things are going well in my life, I am less apt to update. I realized how important it is to talk about the good times. Recently, I have been focusing on cleansing my life, so I thought it only appropriate to give my blog a mini-makeover. Hopefully you like the new look; I think it's a bit more peaceful. I've also stopped the automatic music and put the player at the bottom of the page, so it's there if you want to listen. Also, some important news... my True Life episode is finally premiering on December 6th at 10 pm on MTV. I am excited in a nervous way because I will be seeing it for the first time along with everyone else, but I do hope it brings awareness to what so many of us are dealing with on a daily basis. Keep your fingers crossed!

Back to life being great. I think the best place to begin is on the elliptical at physical therapy. Last week I begged for some cardio in my workout because I was going crazy from the lack of exercise. No running, no dancing, no hiking, no tennis... between you and me I was ready to just forget the rules and do those things anyway. I was frustrated. So the twenty minutes on the elliptical was the greatest gift my PT could give me. I still remember vividly the first time I stepped up and began to move. I kept my promise and kept the elevation low (sigh) and the resistance low. And it just felt SO GOOD. I cannot describe what it felt like to sweat again, to move again, to feel alive again. It is amazing what endorphins can do.

It's also amazing how much I've grown. Halfway into that first workout, some hot shot basketball player jumped onto the elliptical next to me and started sprinting. I looked down longingly at his elevation, but turned back to my machine quickly. A few months ago I would get try to go as fast and as high as this basketball boy. But new, patient Tamra was just happy for her slow and steady twenty minutes and to feel the sweat pouring down her face. You can't take the competition out of me, but you can alter it. Now I stay in my own world, where I compete against myself and do not compare myself to others. Every time I get on the elliptical, I aim to go farther in the twenty minutes that is given to me. It has been two weeks and already I have been given an extra ten minutes for good behavior. Patience is paying off. I have also lost some weight and slowly fitting back into my jeans that I haven't been able to wear for over a year now. Actually, I found $25 in the pants I finally put on yesterday, so patience is literally paying off.

I think the endorphins have been the jump start to my peacefulness. Not to mention,every time I go to physical therapy I am seeing improvement. At this point my only vaginal pain is directly at 6:00, with the rest of my pain located rectally. My PT is doing a lot of manual therapy to release the muscles, and they are slowly loosening up. I am back on the valium suppositories and they are helping (although I have to wait a week for a new prescription. Turns out the ones I was using expired in June... whoops.) I am also doing manual therapy myself at night, which is pretty simple. You just need gloves and some lubricant. Lie down on your side, and using your thumb, apply light pressure to each muscle, moving around the rim of your rectum. It's important not to engage the muscles too much or you will certainly feel it the next day. I am also continuing my exercises and stretches for my hips and pelvic floor. If you are interested, I can show you. I might even be fancy and make a video of them for next time. I am also started yoga, which incorporates a lot of my routine stretches and is giving me peace of mind. Finally, I have started lifting weights again with my upper body. It's the one thing I am allowed to do full-force, so I am taking advantage with some chest, back, and plenty of arm exercises.

That is it as far as medical updates. I am still driving into Philly twice a week, which is quite the commute, but I am enjoying the long drives with some fantastic music and the solitude of being with myself. I am also working a part time research job from home, so I still feel productive. I am reading a lot, writing a lot of poetry, and practicing the piano.

So, I guess I am trying to say that life is good? I voice some trepidation because I'm in a place that is so foreign to me. My mind and my body have always been prepared for the worse, always stiff waiting for the next awful thing to happen. I think amidst all the appointments, hospital visits, life interruptions, and pain, I had forgotten how to breathe. I cannot describe what I feel now, it is an inner peace that is so refreshing. I think it helps that I am slowing my life down. I am spending nights in my bed, with tea lights dancing in my mirror. Beethoven echoing through the room, a cup of tea, and my notebook. I am going to cafes and other places by myself just to sit and people watch and watch time pass before me. I am no longer a prisoner to it. And I cannot forget the wonderful people in my life who never stop believing in me. I am surrounded by kindred spirits, along with a supportive family who runs with every crazy idea I have. (but that is a story for next time) Until then, namaste. Don't forget to breathe.