"Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
They fall, and falling,
they are given wings."

-Rumi (translated by Coleman Barks)

Friday, July 13, 2012

digging through notebooks

I found this entry in one of my notebooks, dated 2/25/12 and wanted to share it.

I have been gone a long time. Updating is getting difficult for me because I find I'm distancing myself from past horrors. And even though there are still health obstacles to overcome, I find it easier not to write about it. I want to enjoy life and relish in this happiness. For months now, I wake up in the morning feeling happy. Truly happy. For a period of time, the joyous emotions were so overwhelming that I would cry. Not just a few tears either. I opened my eyes each morning, and felt such a dramatic reduction in pain that I bawled. It was a right I thought I'd never get back.

The crying did not stop there. Life became dramatic- the sunlight caressing a tree a certain way would move me to tears. One day I was walking down the streets of Philadelphia with my sister and started crying without any sort of trigger. Luckily my sister was used to these reactions and told me to pull it together because we were about to walk into a pizza parlor to meet all her teammates. And it's best not to meet twenty girls on your sister's crew team when you're bawling your eyes out. Because then they'll want to know what's wrong and you'll have to tell them that nothing is wrong. In fact, things are wonderful. And they won't believe you and then you'll become that weird older dramatic sister that they try to avoid.

Luckily I pulled it together and no one was the wiser.

The frequency of these episodes has greatly been reduced over the past months. But they'll still happen if the trigger is good enough.

Many people have been writing to me asking me if my pain is gone. I'm still undergoing intense prolotherapy treatments, but I feel they are helping. I am being patient and putting faith in my doctor and my body to heal itself. But I don't want to talk about that today.

I remember years ago being so frustrated by all the depressing stories of women I found online. I realize now that writing is very therapeutic when you are struggling. People tend to stop when they are doing well. I think we just want to forget this ever happened to us and are anxious to go back to the way things used to be. This is of course impossible because we have been forever changed.

I wanted to write this post to give strength to anyone fighting a difficult battle right now. I remember how hard it used to be. I remember hitting my arms, bruising them repeatedly to try and distract myself from the pain. I remember driving in the car and thinking how easy it would be to turn the wheel slightly and escape from the pain.

I remember specific nights, crying on the floor, wondering how I was going to get through another day. If I only knew the happiness, the elation that I would feel just a year later. I couldn't whisper in my ear back then, so I'm whispering in your ear now.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever your battle, however long it's been happening, keep going. Keep going. You can't give up when you don't know what tomorrow will bring.


thuja said...

i have never left someone a comment on a blog before but i needed to thank you. you have no idea what your words just meant to me.
i am so grateful.
thank you.

Anonymous said...

Wow this is very touching to read. I have pretty much lost faith in my recovering, but it feels wonderful to read about at least one girl who was able to get better. I wish you the best.

Faith said...

thank you- i now know why i returned to my blog tonite and ventured over to yours. I havent written since Jan... and u are so right- your words were exactly what i needed to read.. so thank you.

Anonymous said...

My name is Danielle I watched you a few years ago on MTV and never knew that what I had was what you are suffering. I now have interstitial cystitis as well and when I got the diagnosis I completely withdrew myself from the pain and I feel truly so much better. It's crazy how having these chronic illnesses one day you want to end and another you find new life. I'm glad you have took a step towards peace and I wish all the best thank you for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

Like someone else said, you have no idea what your words just meant to me.

I, too, am so grateful.