"Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
They fall, and falling,
they are given wings."

-Rumi (translated by Coleman Barks)

Thursday, December 1, 2011

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

I dreamed about writing a post like this for many years. Years, can you believe it? Whenever I have a moment to myself, old scenes flash before my eyes. They no longer haunt me, but I am still amazed they were lived through.

I'm trying to explain how I feel right now, but words are failing me. Imagine being weighed down by a huge pack while climbing a mountain. (Did you expect anything else?) The pack is so heavy, you cannot even lift your head up. Bending forward, teeth clenched, you spend all your energy taking one step at a time, being careful not to trip over anything in your path. Sometimes you stop and think about how far you have to go and life seems hopeless. You wonder if it's even worth it anymore to continue to take it, to continue stepping forward. If you could just take your pack off, if you could just lighten the load, if you could just feel a release for a little while...

Think about that burn in your legs, the ache in your back, the shortness of breath, and then imagine what it would be like to have your pack removed. Immediately, your back straightens and you realize how far from normal it was. With the weight now gone, you slowly regain your breath. Walking tall, you now lift your head and your eyes are just flooded with vistas of light. It is like you are seeing for the first time. You see everything around you and it all looks different. It does look like you are seeing it for the first time.

You cannot help but reach out in front of you, just to make sure this is all really happening. As you continue to walk upward, you pause several times, checking to see if you are still carrying the weight, but you realize you just feel the ache of carrying it for so long. It's at that moment you understand how much weight you had been carrying this whole time, and what a toll it took on you. Life is now a second chance. It's a gift.

My prolotherapy treatments are working. They really are. The release I feel is unbelievable. We still have a lot of work left, but every time I go my pain decreases less and less. I'm beginning to go every two weeks now in order to treat the front of my hips as well.

I've been an emotional wreck recently because I am just so happy. I cannot contain it, I cannot hide it. It spills out of me in long waves. After my treatment last week, I cried for almost an hour in the recovery room with my dad and sister. I just could not stop and kept apologizing to them and the nurses who came in. It was like every bad thing that has happened to me needed to be released from my body. There's a lot that needs to leave. If you see me, don't be surprised if I start to tear up. In fact it's already happened in this coffee shop. Never did I understand what tears of happiness were until now. Every moment feels a bit dramatic. I just did not think I would ever feel this way again. It's as if life has said to me, "Welcome back."


Kayla said...

It's overwhelmingly uplifting and wonderful to see you like this. Welcome back indeed.

Kerry said...

I'm so happy for you as well. Oddly enough, you've been in my thoughts a lot lately. I must've been sensing your good vibes. Miss you!

jennylc said...

Hi Tamara -
This is great news. From one pelvic pain warrior to another, I sincerely hope you continue to improve.

Please keep us updated when you are able.

Stef said...

<3 you deserve it! Keep up the good spirits <3

mo said...

Dear Tamara,

I hope you are still on this trail. It juts sound so fantastic and I understand any of your tears of relief and giving in what had 'been done' to you. .. I once wrote some time ago .. with all ups and downs I was never that bad as you, still enough to really feel with your tears and what they mean to you. Could you please let me know a bit more about the therapy. I am not living in US, but in my bad phases I am always researching there. There is still so less knowledge out there. For that I really like your intro to this blog. I recall what relief it was to me when I discovered Tim Parks book 'Teach us to sit still' .. as in an instant moment I at least was no longer that 'hysterical, over sexualized woman' .. hope you can understand what I mean .. and that you are still getting better all the time. Dearest Wishes