"Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
They fall, and falling,
they are given wings."

-Rumi (translated by Coleman Barks)

Friday, October 21, 2011


Recently we are having brilliant weather. The leaves are turning, and the sun is shining through them to create autumn kaleidoscopes. There are rolling clouds accompanied by a faint wind that is just breezy enough to fly a kite successfully (which is really all that matters). Comfy clothing is back, along with the savory scents of bread, pumpkin, and campfires.

This weather just demands long winding drives, with open vistas of oranges, yellows, and reds amidst the green landscape. One day last week I was out cruising to wonderful music, making waves with my hand out the window, and all of a sudden a monarch butterfly flew directly in front of my car. For almost a minute we flew together, and I watched it gracefully dance as if by magic.

The next day I went for a lumbar MRI, and on my way to the facility a monarch appeared again in front of my car. Even though I was miles from the previous location, I like to think it was the same butterfly. I will never forget the way their wings glowed, flooded by sunlight.

I found out a few days later that my MRI came back clean. No obstruction in my lower back, vertebrae are in place, etc. I think this is the first clean MRI I have gotten back in four years. I was shocked. And then shocked that I was shocked. I have become so accustomed to the odds not being in my favor that I have adopted the wrong mindset.

The even better news is I have been feeling less pain on most days. I do believe I feel my body healing itself. This is when I'm supposed to be noticing some relief from the prolotherapy, so I really think it is helping. Which makes it all worth it. I am still anxious about what's to come, but I'm holding steadfast to hope. My next treatment isn't until November 17th, so there's more time to notice improvement. When I stop to really think about it, I get choked up. There's been a few tears this week, only because I don't even know what I will do if this is the final stretch. That's a lie. I will go out dancing. I will run a marathon. I will climb everything. I will be carefree. I will be happy.

I've been spending a lot of time reminiscing how far I've come. The constant in my life has always been my family and friends, who have stood by me no matter what. I have always been slow to trust and let people in, but these wonderful beings took the time to break down all my walls. I have been so much happier lately and have not needed to rely on them like I used to. It is so comforting to know I have people in my life who accept and love all parts of me. And who will be there for whatever lies ahead. I owe them everything. I stumbled upon this song a few days ago, and it's been playing nonstop. It's called Rely by Alex Cornish and it's here as a tribute to everyone who got me through this far.

Right now I'm taking each day as it comes. I am anxiously awaiting decisions from physical therapy programs. I'm icing, stretching, and doing yoga on a regular basis. I'm working, taking classes, and enjoying every minute of fall. And of course, I'm always on the lookout for more butterflies.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

I'm not sure how spiritual you are, but butterflies are thought to symbolize both the soul and rebirth. So I think it is 100000% fitting that you are seeing butterflies right now. I'm so glad things are starting to look up for you.