Newton's Third Law

Confession: The only reason I am updating tonight is because my head is about to explode from physics, specifically coefficients of static and kinetic friction. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that I know how to calculate the tension in cables supporting cat burglars and the acceleration of crates in moving banana truck beds. After a solid month of initiation into the realms of chemistry, biology, and physics, I can also tell you I love science and math. There is something very calming about being able to find a "correct" answer. However, I have not completely forgotten the right side of my brain. I miss writing. I miss critical thinking and debate. Sometimes I just want to shout out "heteronormativity" or the four pillars of Victorian womanhood from the back of class.

I have not written in awhile for a variety of reasons. I really needed time to take a step back and worry about myself. I also wanted my thoughts and feelings to be private so I could self-analyze. And as I said, school has taken off and my time is now very limited between classes, taking care of my health, and keeping my sanity. I need to take 10 prerequisite classes before I enter a DPT program and I am scheduling them all in less than a year. (A lot of people keep telling me I'm crazy, but these tend to be those who don't know me too well.) I'm not intimidated by the work I need to do to get where I want to be. I'm very confident I want to be a physical therapist- I want to help women and contribute all I can to research of the pelvic floor.

As always, a lot has happened since I last updated. My health continues to change, sometimes on a daily basis, (even I find it extremely exhausting to keep up.) The shorter version is I started experiencing right hip pain around a month ago. At first I thought I needed to take a break from exercising, so I rested for a few weeks. My symptoms kept getting worse, until one weekend I had a sharp pain in my hip that felt very much like a tear. I couldn't really walk without a crutch or cane, so I went in to see Dr. Coleman and get an emergency MRI. The results came back that it looked like a possible re-tear of my right hip (the one I had surgery on this past summer.) However, it's difficult to tell because scar tissue can also look like a re-tear. Around three weeks ago I had a steroid injection into the hip at the Hospital for Special Surgery and felt dramatically better after it kicked in 2 days later. Since then, I've been walking around with a cane and my SI belt. They are both very confining made me feel trapped. There are few things more frustrating to me than limiting my movement. Being active is such a huge component of who I am- all I want to do is run around, climb mountains, play tennis, dance... being stripped of that freedom and being forced to walk around with a cane is difficult. I tried to imagine the cane was my ice axe the first day, but my brain was not having it.

However, I have to interject that utilizing the cane is an interesting experience. As much as I hate being restricted, I am treated very differently when I walk with a cane. Strangers are so gracious and understanding. In a small way, it was nice to be recognized as a "sick" person or a person with chronic pain or whatever you want to identify it as. I think people tend to forget the pain I am feeling on a daily basis, which is normally great because I do want to blend in. But there are just a few times where I want my pain to outwardly be expressed. Perhaps for me, that validates it and visualizes something so invisible.

At first I was incredibly depressed. I think I felt defeated that yet another thing was wrong with me that we just fixed. I was also just starting to increase my workouts and making progress in regaining my strength and physical activities that mean so much to me. I was also upset that something went wrong when I have been incredibly careful after this surgery- always listening to my surgeon, physical therapist, specialist, etc. and not pushing myself. I felt I was being punished for finally doing things right and learning patience. Because my right hip was in pain, everything flared up, which meant more pain and difficulty sitting. There were a lot of days I spent locked in my room in the dark listening to Joni Mitchell on repeat. I really did want to give up this time and was only truly living for those around me and not myself. I knew that was dangerous and I needed a new attitude.

Don't ask me how it happened, but literally my outlook changed overnight. It was some sort of miracle because I desperately needed it- I may even go as far to call it grace. If the universe wanted to pick me up, the least I could do was accept the gift. I no longer saw myself as being trapped. I am grateful for the time to spend back at home, focusing on classes, and self-improvement. I have been doing extremely well in my classes (now that I'm not exercising or playing sports, my competitive energy needs to be fueled completely by school.) Doing well in class is giving me the self-confidence I need to keep working hard. I have also been able to read much more. So far I've been able to read around a book a week and make a dent in my very long reading list. I have also been practicing and playing the piano more. I find that having these three goals to focus on and devote energy to has helped keep me motivate and positive. I am also so thankful that I am back living at home, spending time with my parents and sisters that I never would have been able to if I was not in my current health position.

To bring you back to the present, I am currently going to my chiropractor often because my low and mid-back keep going out of alignment due to my hip instability. I was going a few times a week, but may finally be down to once a week if things continue to hold. I just stopped walking with a cane a few days ago and my right hip feels pretty good. I still feel a slight hint of pain and am constantly worried it will come back, and even worse that I am dealing with a re-tear. But we are still unsure of what is happening- I am going to continue to monitor my hip and limit all physical activities to light walking. I am getting traumeel injections by Dr. Kellogg every other week. It seems that vulvar pain is gone and is staying away. It's always my obdurator internus and piriformis that are tight and in severe pain. We reach these trigger points by hitting them inter-vaginally. I have stopped going to physical therapy because of the right hip and cannot do most of my original exercises. Finally, I am still scheduled for my surgery with Dr. Meyers on March 15th. This will be a pelvic floor reconstruction, which involves repair of the tears near my pubic synthesis and bilateral adductor release. I personally feel he might end up releasing my obdurator internus as well since it has been causing me so many problems, but that will have to be something he investigates while he's in there. After this surgery, the recovery is walking a mile a day to prevent scar tissue. I will also wait anxiously to see if I will need yet another hip surgery. But I am taking it one day at a time.

Newton is on my mind today since we spent all morning learning about forces of motion. According to his third law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I could not stop thinking in lecture how much that applies to my life. Sure, the universe has been throwing a lot of obstacles my way, but it is comforting and inspiring to know that I am reacting to it with an equal force. Whenever you feel weak, remember how much force you are opposing. Sure, sometimes we just want to fall down and be alone with Joni Mitchell in the dark, but most days we stay standing and continue to carry out our lives. That means we are just as strong as the forces against us, and (forgive me Newton and physics professor), but I daresay we are stronger than them.

Long post coming soon...

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us."
-Pema Chödrön

Taking a Break

I haven't updated in a month, so I've been receiving a lot of emails asking when I'm coming back. To be honest? I need a break. My life has been so public that I need time again for myself. Classes start in a week and my surgery is in 3 months, so I will be quite busy. I'll update occasionally, and certainly once I finish the book that's currently consuming me, which deals with chronic pain. I will try to respond to emails as timely as possible, but bear with me as I take a step back.


The Winds of Fate
by Ella Wilcox

One ship drives east and another drives west
With the self-same winds that blow;
'Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales
That tells them the way to go.

Like the winds of the sea are the winds of fate
As we voyage along through life;
'Tis the set of the soul
That decides the goal
And not the calm or the strife.

Addressing reactions/Becoming stronger

I have been very busy this week observing PT all day, as well as doing my own PT and getting injections. My inbox has been flooded, and I promise I will do my best to go through it this week. I first want to say how overwhelmed I am from all the positive emails, thanking me for speaking out. Also, I am overwhelmed by the amount of emails of women telling me their stories and asking for advice. I promise, I will respond. That being said, I am not going to respond to dating invitations, complaints, or hate mail. I wanted to make a few things very clear, as well as address some popular questions, so I will even bullet them out. If you want me to address anything else, please just ask the question: open communication is important.

-First, I will not even address the ridiculous and hateful comments that have been made in discussion groups or in other online areas. Please ignore the disrespectful and inappropriate comments and do NOT be shaken by them. This is not general public attitude- it is ignorant people who have nothing better to do than make fun of the suffering of others. Please, please, please do not even read them. The world is filled with supportive people who are on your side and empathize with your problems.-I did not go on the show to showcase my dating or personal life. I do not watch MTV, but was contacted through my blog last spring. I saw the show as a way to tell my story, a way to break taboos, and a way to get the word out to other women (and men) that they are not alone in their suffering.
-I understand the show focused a lot on sex and many women are disappointed. I want to make it clear that the inability to have sex was not my primary concern when being filmed. As you could tell, my pain impacts my daily living- sitting is extremely painful and medications/treatments make it very difficult to live a "normal life." However, everything is edited to fulfill a purpose. MTV only had a limited amount of time to tell a story that most people have not heard about. I am not saying they did a perfect job or I would have done it the same way, but I am thankful to them for putting unheard medical conditions on the map, no matter what the context. My blog views has increased tenfold since the show, and the emails I have received have (for the most part) comforted me that I did make the right decision. So many more women are now seeking help or speaking out about their pain, even if it's just to family members or friends. This is something no one should feel embarrassed about.
-I am also not going to ignore sex completely. If you heard me on the episode, I always said I could not have intercourse at that time. Our society's general definition of sex tends to be very heteronormative and only concerned with penetration. Just because a women has pelvic floor dysfunction or vaginal pain, does NOT mean she is broken or unable to engage in physical relationships.-Finally, yes I am feeling better after the surgery, but I still have a long way to go. If you haven't been following, the labral hip surgery (which was my second) combined with weekly external and internal trigger point injections of traumeel have almost completely rid me of vaginal pain. What is left now is the sitting pain I feel, normally around my piriformis and obturator internus/externus. I am still getting injections and go to manual physical therapy twice a week. I also have a scheduled pelvic floor surgery in April to repair two tears I have near my pubic synthesis.

I am very hopeful for a happy end of the road, but I know there is still a lot of work to be done and battles to be won. There will be setbacks, but the important thing is to fight through them and realize how far you've already come. When I look back just a few months ago, when they filmed the episode, I see how much I have changed and grown. I am stronger, mind and body.

I just read a beautiful post by Erica, the founder of Mind-Body Wellness. It is called "The Gifts of Illness," which you can find here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/12/the-gifts-of-illness/ I want you to read it for yourself, but it talks about how through physical pain and limitations, we find inner peace, patience, and tolerance. My life was so fast-paced before I started getting seriously ill, and this has given me a chance to take a step back and look at my life. I have had time to reflect, to write, to recognize my life purpose, and to understand why this all happened to me to begin with. I have had incredible lessons in compassion and am now able to better empathize with others and understand suffering. This was not a curse, but all part of my journey. It has molded the person I am today and continues to shape me. For those of you just starting on your journeys, remember I have not gotten to this place easily. If you look back on my entries over the years, I have been in some dark times and fearful moments. There are more to come, but I feel more prepared and more willing to accept them as part of the process.

Reflections and News

Three years ago I was experiencing tremendous pain and kept it a secret from everyone. I remember feeling so ashamed and embarrassed and frustrated. I felt alone and desperately wanted information. Never would I have believed I would end up sharing my story to friends, the blogging community, and now national television. I feel blessed to be part of a growing movement to finally bring attention to chronic pelvic pain.

I want to thank all who were involved in last night's episode. I'm very happy with the way it was edited and presented, especially for such a limited time block. I would love to hear what you all think. Things are pretty overwhelming now- but I will try and answer emails as quickly as I can. I'm so thankful for all the encouraging and supportive words many of you have already sent me.

A quick medical update: I had more injections early this morning. I am happy to report that vaginal pain is pretty much obsolete. All these months of injections have done wonders. There's still a bit of pain at 6:00, but I think with a few more rounds, it too will disappear. My pain is still heavily concentrated right under my sit bones. We are trying injections superficially, and hoping to see some improvement now. My guess is that I won't feel relief until after the pelvic floor reconstruction surgery in April to repair my two tears. It seems that so much of my pain has been caused by these orthopedic issues.

A quick life update: For those of you that do not know, I have decided to go back to school for my doctorate in physical therapy, with hopes to concentrate on manual and pelvic floor therapy. I have been thinking about it for a long time, and nothing has ever felt so right. It may not have been what I studied in undergrad, but I feel having a liberal arts education will be extremely useful. I am getting straight to work- I need to take all my science prerequisites, as well as observe physical therapy in two different settings. My classes start in the spring, and I hope to apply in the summer for 2012 admission. I cannot even express my excitement to have found my life calling and to be able to use my experience to help others. Overall, life seems to be turning around.

Keep fighting,
Tamra

Urgent

Some great news- there is a possibility that women with vulvodynia, etc. might be able to share their stories on a cable series. This would be fantastic for raising awareness and letting other sufferers out there know they are not alone. This is still in the very beginning phases, so they are currently putting together a demo tape, which will only be shown to tv executives. To get this project off the ground, they need women in the NY tri-state area to do a 15 minute interview sharing their story. Again, this is only for the demo- tape, so your interview would NOT be broadcasted or shared with anyone other than the producers. I urge you to please respond and help us raise awareness. It is only a short interview for a demo-tape. Please send me an email or comment if you are interested and I can put you in touch with my producer. If you have any questions or concerns, you can also talk to her about them. Please respond as soon as possible and send this to anyone you might know in the area.

Thanks,
Tamra

Dark Night

There is a lot of pain tonight. I have been trying to relax in bed to no avail. I think a lot of it has to do with being sick for the past few days and unable to do my exercises or take my suppositories. A good friend recently reminded me that healing is not a linear process and we will continue to have our ups and downs along this journey.

I'm not one for words tonight. I think the last two poems I wrote sum up my emotions.

I wish for you

a dark night

void of stars.

How else will you see

the moon's white glow

lightly caress

bare black branches?

In the Ring

My life is a constant battle
of bruises and bullies.
Are you fighting too?

Remember, dear friend.
Our scars do not deform us,
they define us.

Go another round.

Injection Day

Confession: It took me a few weeks to finally call and and make an appointment for trigger point injections. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say I hate them, they never get easier, but they are definitely working, so I keep going back. We now want to start doing them weekly since I am making so much progress (yes!), and then slowly cut back to biweekly, and then monthly. I wrote this poem after my appointment yesterday.

Injection Day

I clutch my sweater tighter around my body,
struggling to find warmth and
shuddering not from the morning chill,
but in fear of what is to come a few blocks ahead.

I have been here many mornings,
but the walk never gets easier.
A man on the corner calls out to me.
Would he stop if he knew?

Passing suits push past,
their shoes pounding on the sidewalk.
They race towards their destination
I delay discovering mine.

Couples line the waiting room
Every hand with a companion.
I take out my book and stare at the pages.
I don't even see the words.

My name is called, and I go into the same room
The paper crinkles as I lie down.
Staring up at the ceiling tiles,
I notice there's still a crack in the third row

The countdown begins
1... my arms are folded against my chest
2... but soon grip the table sides
3... as if each needle was the first.

"I'm okay," I say in a flat, steady tone.
The same mantra every time.
I rush to get dressed and quickly walk back.
Same streets, same sounds, same steps.

When I go to the bathroom later,
I notice the small dark stains.
I forgot again.
Another pair ruined.

I have gone through many pairs, many walks.

It never gets easier, but it needs to be done.
Thankfully the next appointment
is not for another two weeks.

"Although the road is never ending
take a step and keep walking,
do not look fearfully into the distance.
On this path let the heart be your guide
for the body is hesitant and full of fear."
-Rumi

Namaste

It seems people are more naturally inclined to expend energy complaining than complimenting. I noticed that when things are going well in my life, I am less apt to update. I realized how important it is to talk about the good times. Recently, I have been focusing on cleansing my life, so I thought it only appropriate to give my blog a mini-makeover. Hopefully you like the new look; I think it's a bit more peaceful. I've also stopped the automatic music and put the player at the bottom of the page, so it's there if you want to listen. Also, some important news... my True Life episode is finally premiering on December 6th at 10 pm on MTV. I am excited in a nervous way because I will be seeing it for the first time along with everyone else, but I do hope it brings awareness to what so many of us are dealing with on a daily basis. Keep your fingers crossed!

Back to life being great. I think the best place to begin is on the elliptical at physical therapy. Last week I begged for some cardio in my workout because I was going crazy from the lack of exercise. No running, no dancing, no hiking, no tennis... between you and me I was ready to just forget the rules and do those things anyway. I was frustrated. So the twenty minutes on the elliptical was the greatest gift my PT could give me. I still remember vividly the first time I stepped up and began to move. I kept my promise and kept the elevation low (sigh) and the resistance low. And it just felt SO GOOD. I cannot describe what it felt like to sweat again, to move again, to feel alive again. It is amazing what endorphins can do.

It's also amazing how much I've grown. Halfway into that first workout, some hot shot basketball player jumped onto the elliptical next to me and started sprinting. I looked down longingly at his elevation, but turned back to my machine quickly. A few months ago I would get try to go as fast and as high as this basketball boy. But new, patient Tamra was just happy for her slow and steady twenty minutes and to feel the sweat pouring down her face. You can't take the competition out of me, but you can alter it. Now I stay in my own world, where I compete against myself and do not compare myself to others. Every time I get on the elliptical, I aim to go farther in the twenty minutes that is given to me. It has been two weeks and already I have been given an extra ten minutes for good behavior. Patience is paying off. I have also lost some weight and slowly fitting back into my jeans that I haven't been able to wear for over a year now. Actually, I found $25 in the pants I finally put on yesterday, so patience is literally paying off.

I think the endorphins have been the jump start to my peacefulness. Not to mention,every time I go to physical therapy I am seeing improvement. At this point my only vaginal pain is directly at 6:00, with the rest of my pain located rectally. My PT is doing a lot of manual therapy to release the muscles, and they are slowly loosening up. I am back on the valium suppositories and they are helping (although I have to wait a week for a new prescription. Turns out the ones I was using expired in June... whoops.) I am also doing manual therapy myself at night, which is pretty simple. You just need gloves and some lubricant. Lie down on your side, and using your thumb, apply light pressure to each muscle, moving around the rim of your rectum. It's important not to engage the muscles too much or you will certainly feel it the next day. I am also continuing my exercises and stretches for my hips and pelvic floor. If you are interested, I can show you. I might even be fancy and make a video of them for next time. I am also started yoga, which incorporates a lot of my routine stretches and is giving me peace of mind. Finally, I have started lifting weights again with my upper body. It's the one thing I am allowed to do full-force, so I am taking advantage with some chest, back, and plenty of arm exercises.

That is it as far as medical updates. I am still driving into Philly twice a week, which is quite the commute, but I am enjoying the long drives with some fantastic music and the solitude of being with myself. I am also working a part time research job from home, so I still feel productive. I am reading a lot, writing a lot of poetry, and practicing the piano.

So, I guess I am trying to say that life is good? I voice some trepidation because I'm in a place that is so foreign to me. My mind and my body have always been prepared for the worse, always stiff waiting for the next awful thing to happen. I think amidst all the appointments, hospital visits, life interruptions, and pain, I had forgotten how to breathe. I cannot describe what I feel now, it is an inner peace that is so refreshing. I think it helps that I am slowing my life down. I am spending nights in my bed, with tea lights dancing in my mirror. Beethoven echoing through the room, a cup of tea, and my notebook. I am going to cafes and other places by myself just to sit and people watch and watch time pass before me. I am no longer a prisoner to it. And I cannot forget the wonderful people in my life who never stop believing in me. I am surrounded by kindred spirits, along with a supportive family who runs with every crazy idea I have. (but that is a story for next time) Until then, namaste. Don't forget to breathe.