I'm really good at being sick. Right now I feel my full-time job is keeping my body together in one piece. No one wants that.
I'm so sick of writing emails to professors and dropping out of commitments last minute. The worst is no one ever gives me a hard time. It feels like everyone just understands that this is my life. I don't like those low expectations. I want responsibility. I want a routine. I want boring days. I want to stop writing and ranting.
I went for a run yesterday afternoon. The same route in my neighborhood I've done for countless weeks now. Let me tell you- I was killing that route too. Down to 8:30 miles for a 2.5 course, with plenty of energy at the end to do an extra mile loop. Killing it. Yesterday I jumped in the pool after my run, as I always do. All of a sudden I could not stop itching my face. Then I felt it change and it started to hurt badly from all the pressure of the swelling. All of my lymph system swelled up and turned bright red. My sister made her first 911 call. Turns out ambulances take forever, so we jumped in the car and raced to the ER. Also turns out when your face is swelling up like a large watermelon, you get seen right away. I got on an IV with a heavy duty cocktail of steroids and benedryl (by one of the hottest nurses ever I might add.) In fact, I was almost high enough from all the medication to start asking him how many patients told him he was beautiful every day.
I got discharged a few hours later, and rushed home to get my psych paper in on time for an online class. I hate the way medication changes you so quickly. The steroids were giving me severe mood swings, the benedryl made me tired and unintelligent. It brought back bad memories of college and being on different medications and having people come over to help me write and type my papers. I thought I'd never have to be that helpless again.
Today I saw my primary doctor and made an appointment with the allergist tomorrow. I'm under strict orders not to go outside. My primary told me I really need to stop having weird things happen to me. I had another small outbreak just from going to the car to get the doctors this morning. My body seems to be on high alert for any allergens, thus the bubble girl status. I did not feel well today so I had to let my professor know I couldn't take my anatomy exam tonight. Tomorrow I have two big tests, and there's no option to stay home. Summer classes, especially science classes are almost impossible to miss.
We now have to stop the laser stim and the iontophoresis treatments at physical therapy until we figure out what's going on. So once again, my main problems get put on the back burner. When the triage nurse at the hospital asked me if I had any preexisting conditions or any surgeries done, I just stared at her with the typical puppy dog eyes. I am so sick of hospitals. I had to tell Mr. Hot RN exactly what vein to put the IV in because the rest tend to move. You're not supposed to know these things when you're 23. I'm supposed to be worrying about moving out of my parents' house and getting into good dpt programs and where I'm going to meet my next boyfriend. At this point, I am only concerned with making it through the day in as little pain and medical drama as possible. I want more.
[/endrant]
PS. I need a hug.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
things you should know
- I'm still alive.
- I'm in the middle of the busiest summer of my life, taking classes and getting ready for PT programs.
- I'm currently memorizing all the bones of the body.
- I go to physical therapy twice a week. Started laser stim and iontophoresis for my piriformis. I'm only on my second treatment, but will write more detail if they have an effect.
- I run every day. Far. I lost a lot of weight. I lift every other day. I want to run a half marathon next year. Exercise is my free time away from the stress of class.
- My increased exercise fires up my piriformis muscles even more. Sitting in classes all day is so difficult. But I don't want to talk to my professors about it or my classmates. It was much easier at my undergrad college to make connections and explain myself. Now I'd rather push through.
- Exercise makes me happy. Being strong makes me happy. I'm not going to stop, even if it would reduce my daily pain. Physical pain < mental pain
- I might be getting a PRP (platelet rich plasma) injection in August in the piriformis region. It takes your blood, converts it to plasma, and puts it back into the problem area to help damaged tissues. It's experimental in that region. I have to wait until I am off iontophoresis before I can get it done.
- We still have no idea why my piriformis muscles are so hypersensitive and tight. I think it's by far my underlying problem because it's increased pain levels affect every area around it.
- I'm going back to Dr. Kellogg on Monday to get more injections in the vulvar region, hoping we can at least get that issue back on track.
- The world is full of so many chairs without cushions. I hate hardwood chairs.
- I read each and every one of your emails. I do. I haven't responded for a few months now because it's a little too much to handle. But please remember I'm here, fighting with you.
- I'm in the middle of the busiest summer of my life, taking classes and getting ready for PT programs.
- I'm currently memorizing all the bones of the body.
- I go to physical therapy twice a week. Started laser stim and iontophoresis for my piriformis. I'm only on my second treatment, but will write more detail if they have an effect.
- I run every day. Far. I lost a lot of weight. I lift every other day. I want to run a half marathon next year. Exercise is my free time away from the stress of class.
- My increased exercise fires up my piriformis muscles even more. Sitting in classes all day is so difficult. But I don't want to talk to my professors about it or my classmates. It was much easier at my undergrad college to make connections and explain myself. Now I'd rather push through.
- Exercise makes me happy. Being strong makes me happy. I'm not going to stop, even if it would reduce my daily pain. Physical pain < mental pain
- I might be getting a PRP (platelet rich plasma) injection in August in the piriformis region. It takes your blood, converts it to plasma, and puts it back into the problem area to help damaged tissues. It's experimental in that region. I have to wait until I am off iontophoresis before I can get it done.
- We still have no idea why my piriformis muscles are so hypersensitive and tight. I think it's by far my underlying problem because it's increased pain levels affect every area around it.
- I'm going back to Dr. Kellogg on Monday to get more injections in the vulvar region, hoping we can at least get that issue back on track.
- The world is full of so many chairs without cushions. I hate hardwood chairs.
- I read each and every one of your emails. I do. I haven't responded for a few months now because it's a little too much to handle. But please remember I'm here, fighting with you.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Struggle
Do you know reader how many times I have ended up here on the floor, trapped in my body?
Do you know how desperately I try to keep going?
There are some nights I don't have the strength.
I want to talk, but this is all I know how to do. This, and pushing people away.
I wanted to drive far away today. To find where the road ends. But I've already tried that.
Did you know it just goes on and on and on?
Do you know how desperately I try to keep going?
There are some nights I don't have the strength.
I want to talk, but this is all I know how to do. This, and pushing people away.
I wanted to drive far away today. To find where the road ends. But I've already tried that.
Did you know it just goes on and on and on?
Monday, May 2, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Elation
I played tennis yesterday for the first time in over a year.
I've been running and lifting and pushing my body to remember what it used to be.
The elation is indescribable.
I am smiling, on average, 250% more per day.
I feel the urgent need to run out into a big open field, throw my hands up, and spin around in the rain, the coolness of each drop matched with this burning spirit.
For the first time since this all started, there is no anticipation of another surgery or another big step. No more knocking me down before I've stood up again. This is it.
I am slowly reclaiming myself back.
I've been running and lifting and pushing my body to remember what it used to be.
The elation is indescribable.
I am smiling, on average, 250% more per day.
I feel the urgent need to run out into a big open field, throw my hands up, and spin around in the rain, the coolness of each drop matched with this burning spirit.
For the first time since this all started, there is no anticipation of another surgery or another big step. No more knocking me down before I've stood up again. This is it.
I am slowly reclaiming myself back.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Tree Dance
Whenever the weight is too much,
Back and forth they rock,
graceful and rooted, the wind reminding them to sway
and me to breathe.
But as the moon rises
over their outstretched branches,
casting light upon their dance,
I no longer need breath.
O moon, shine upon this darkened soul.
O trees, calm this unsettled heart.
Fix me.
Heal me.
when I am overflowing
with ghosts and emotions,
I sit in the park to watch the trees.
Dark against a setting sky,
their melodic rhythm in the wind
slowly settles my mind
and I drift to some other place.with ghosts and emotions,
I sit in the park to watch the trees.
Dark against a setting sky,
their melodic rhythm in the wind
slowly settles my mind
Back and forth they rock,
graceful and rooted, the wind reminding them to sway
and me to breathe.
But as the moon rises
over their outstretched branches,
casting light upon their dance,
I no longer need breath.
O moon, shine upon this darkened soul.
O trees, calm this unsettled heart.
Fix me.
Heal me.
Monday, April 11, 2011
A little Mary Oliver for the soul
Things have been progressing well recently. I'm still at physical therapy 8+ hours a week and then exercise on my own the other 4 days of the week. I don't kid around. Being able to run again is wonderful. I've lost over 10 pounds and finally fitting back into all my pants again. Slowly but surely, I'm getting stronger and faster. I'm still months away from knowing if this surgery really did anything for me, so I continue to live in the moment. I do really think that I am going to see results and I have a lot of hope in my heart going forward.
My pain is still pretty bad, but is quickly overshadowed by the ability to work out again. My friends and family continue to be incredibly supportive; I owe them everything. One thing I've noticed is I am handling meeting new people very differently than before. I used to be so open about everything, but now I want to keep my feelings and experiences to myself. It's becoming difficult to connect with people in my classes, new acquaintances, dates... I find myself withdrawing and saying as little about myself as possible. It's so hard to explain! I want them to know my story, but then again it causes me anxiety figuring out when the appropriate time is to explain and exactly how much I should be explaining. I know a lot of you understand. We don't want to be defined by our pain, yet we don't want people to forget. We don't want pity, we want understanding. We want to look healthy some days and want to look sick other days. We want answers. We need answers.
I find so much solace in Mary Oliver's poems. In honor of Poetry Month, here's a few that have made my week. Regardless of your circumstances, please let me know in the comments which of the three struck you the most, and if you feel like sharing, why?
The Uses of Sorrow
(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.
-----------------------------------
Heavy
That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying
I went closer
and I did not die.
Surely God
had His hand in this,
as well as friends.
Still, I was bent,
and my laughter,
as the poet said,
was nowhere to be found.
Then said my friend Daniel
(brave even among lions),
"It's not the weight you carry
but how you carry it-
books, bricks, grief-
it's all in the way
you embrace it, balance it, carry it
when you cannot, and would no,
put it down."
So I went practicing.
Have you noticed?
Have you heard
the laughter
that comes, now and again,
out of my startled mouth?
How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world
that are kind, and maybe
also troubled-
roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love
to which there is no reply?
-----------------------------------
In the Storm
Some black ducks
were shrugged up
on the shore.
It was snowing
hard, from the east,
and the sea
was in disorder.
Then some sanderlings,
five inches long
with beaks like wire,
flew in,
snowflakes on their backs,
and settled
in a row
behind the ducks-
whose backs were also
covered with snow-
so close
they were all but touching,
they were all but under
the roof of the ducks' tails,
so the wind, pretty much
blew over them.
They stayed that way, motionless,
for maybe an hour,
than the sanderlings,
each a handful of feathers,
shifted, and were blown away
out over the water
which was still raging.
But somehow,
they came back
and again the ducks,
like a feathered hedge,
let them
crouch there, and live.
If someone you didn't know
told you this,
as I am telling you this,
would you believe it?
Belief isn't always easy.
But this much I have learned-
if not enough else-
to live with my eyes open.
I know what everyone wants
is a miracle.
This wasn't a miracle.
Unless, of course, kindness-
as now and again
some rare person has suggested-
is a miracle.
As surely it is.
My pain is still pretty bad, but is quickly overshadowed by the ability to work out again. My friends and family continue to be incredibly supportive; I owe them everything. One thing I've noticed is I am handling meeting new people very differently than before. I used to be so open about everything, but now I want to keep my feelings and experiences to myself. It's becoming difficult to connect with people in my classes, new acquaintances, dates... I find myself withdrawing and saying as little about myself as possible. It's so hard to explain! I want them to know my story, but then again it causes me anxiety figuring out when the appropriate time is to explain and exactly how much I should be explaining. I know a lot of you understand. We don't want to be defined by our pain, yet we don't want people to forget. We don't want pity, we want understanding. We want to look healthy some days and want to look sick other days. We want answers. We need answers.
I find so much solace in Mary Oliver's poems. In honor of Poetry Month, here's a few that have made my week. Regardless of your circumstances, please let me know in the comments which of the three struck you the most, and if you feel like sharing, why?
The Uses of Sorrow
(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.
-----------------------------------
Heavy
That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying
I went closer
and I did not die.
Surely God
had His hand in this,
as well as friends.
Still, I was bent,
and my laughter,
as the poet said,
was nowhere to be found.
Then said my friend Daniel
(brave even among lions),
"It's not the weight you carry
but how you carry it-
books, bricks, grief-
it's all in the way
you embrace it, balance it, carry it
when you cannot, and would no,
put it down."
So I went practicing.
Have you noticed?
Have you heard
the laughter
that comes, now and again,
out of my startled mouth?
How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world
that are kind, and maybe
also troubled-
roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love
to which there is no reply?
-----------------------------------
In the Storm
Some black ducks
were shrugged up
on the shore.
It was snowing
hard, from the east,
and the sea
was in disorder.
Then some sanderlings,
five inches long
with beaks like wire,
flew in,
snowflakes on their backs,
and settled
in a row
behind the ducks-
whose backs were also
covered with snow-
so close
they were all but touching,
they were all but under
the roof of the ducks' tails,
so the wind, pretty much
blew over them.
They stayed that way, motionless,
for maybe an hour,
than the sanderlings,
each a handful of feathers,
shifted, and were blown away
out over the water
which was still raging.
But somehow,
they came back
and again the ducks,
like a feathered hedge,
let them
crouch there, and live.
If someone you didn't know
told you this,
as I am telling you this,
would you believe it?
Belief isn't always easy.
But this much I have learned-
if not enough else-
to live with my eyes open.
I know what everyone wants
is a miracle.
This wasn't a miracle.
Unless, of course, kindness-
as now and again
some rare person has suggested-
is a miracle.
As surely it is.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
It starts with a step
The past month has been quite the struggle, which is why I haven't felt like writing. I have also been moving further and further away from this blog because it's no longer serving as the coping mechanism it was when I first began writing. But, major changes have happened and I wanted to update about them. There have been many emails with questions about my surgery and how I am currently feeling.
Two weeks ago, I had my fifth surgery in Philadelphia by Dr. Meyers. It was a pelvic floor reconstruction and bilateral adductor release. The week leading up to the surgery was difficult to get through. I was very anxious because I did not know what to expect. There was also no other surgical orthopedic issues to address, which meant if this surgery did not help, I would have no other options.
The surgery has been more difficult than I anticipated. There were two 4 inch incisions made, shaped like a V on my pelvis. The surgery took about an hour and 15 minutes and I was probably in the recovery room for 2 hours, on heavy pain medicine before I was finally driven home by my dad. The pain was significant- the first few days it felt like someone had repeatedly stabbed me in the pelvis. But I went off the pain medicine quickly because I never like taking it. Overall, I think the surgery went very well. Dr. Meyers found more tears than he had expected, but they were also smaller than he had expected. He fixed those (located around the pubic synthesis) and released my adductor muscles. My bone was also much more inflamed than he expected, so I received steroid injections to rectify the osteitis.
The important component to this surgery was battling scar tissue. The day after surgery I had to get up and walk a mile. My dad and I measured out our house, and I did laps around the second floor, using a crutch to push in front of me for support, as well as my dad's arms. It was difficult to start moving, but once the muscles got warm from exercise, they actually felt better. Every day it became easier to walk- by the fourth day I was walking 2 or 3 miles a day. I have just started physical therapy last week. I'm going three times a week for 2+ hours a session at a local physical therapist's office. He is a very experienced orthopedic PT and I am so pleased to be working with him. It feels like such a privilege to drive 15 minutes to receive excellent care. Although he hasn't worked with anyone like me before, he has great experience with labral tears and this specific pelvic floor reconstruction surgery by Dr. Meyers. A lot of young male hockey players and wrestlers get the same surgery. Things are progressing slowly- I need to have deep adductor and piriformis "massage" every visit. I hate using the term massage because that gives the inclination that it feels even slightly good. The adductor massage is to break-up scar tissue that is forming from the surgery. It actually hasn't hurt too terribly because my muscles have been very loose. I believe I owe that to my dutiful walking every day. On the other hand, the piriformis is a whole other monster. Before surgery, my pain was coming solely from my piriformis and my obdurator internus. They are extremely tight, which makes sitting so uncomfortable. We're hoping the surgery is going to correct both of these problems. However right now my muscles are not happy about being put through surgery again. They have fired up and become even more tense, especially my piriformis. Two days ago, my PT said he needed a jackhammer to loosen them up. The massage has been on the border of being unbearable for the last two weeks. Today we used stim to help loosen the muscles, which seemed to work slightly. It was slightly easier to get through, and I'm considering that a victory. Hopefully they continue to loosen as I heal from the surgery.
Currently, I am trying to live in the moment, and take each day one step at a time. This surgery could possibly be the solution to all my pain, but I won't be able to tell for some time yet. So I am trying to be patient and trying to focus on recovery, like I always have. This is the third time I've had to re-learn how to walk, and I'll tell you that it doesn't get any easier. The worst part for me is the two or three weeks right after surgery. As much as I try to stay positive, I sink down and get depressed about dealing with even more pain and starting again from step 1. It's frustrating. I got very angry after this surgery and dealt with it inwardly, as I always seem to do. Sometimes, if I stop and think long enough, I think life is horribly unfair and get very jealous of the people walking around with easier lives. It's not right for me to judge other people's lives and consider my suffering much greater than theirs. The past week has been a real turnaround and I've dragged myself out of that hole. Self-pity, sulking, and jealousy isn't going to get me anywhere. Taking a step forward will. I'm continuing to walk as much as possible. Today I even ran my first mile. Ok, I lightly jogged my first mile in 12 minutes. But I had the biggest smile on my face while doing it. There is no better feeling than running for the first time after re-learning how to walk. There isn't. In those twelve minutes, I felt unstoppable and untouchable. I felt like I could do anything and overcome whatever life throws in my way. And even though I slowly hobbled to the mat to ice afterwards, I have never felt stronger. Those twelve minutes are a gift. But I would never have been able to experience them if I hadn't gotten myself up the couch and started walking. Keep taking those steps.
Two weeks ago, I had my fifth surgery in Philadelphia by Dr. Meyers. It was a pelvic floor reconstruction and bilateral adductor release. The week leading up to the surgery was difficult to get through. I was very anxious because I did not know what to expect. There was also no other surgical orthopedic issues to address, which meant if this surgery did not help, I would have no other options.
The surgery has been more difficult than I anticipated. There were two 4 inch incisions made, shaped like a V on my pelvis. The surgery took about an hour and 15 minutes and I was probably in the recovery room for 2 hours, on heavy pain medicine before I was finally driven home by my dad. The pain was significant- the first few days it felt like someone had repeatedly stabbed me in the pelvis. But I went off the pain medicine quickly because I never like taking it. Overall, I think the surgery went very well. Dr. Meyers found more tears than he had expected, but they were also smaller than he had expected. He fixed those (located around the pubic synthesis) and released my adductor muscles. My bone was also much more inflamed than he expected, so I received steroid injections to rectify the osteitis.
The important component to this surgery was battling scar tissue. The day after surgery I had to get up and walk a mile. My dad and I measured out our house, and I did laps around the second floor, using a crutch to push in front of me for support, as well as my dad's arms. It was difficult to start moving, but once the muscles got warm from exercise, they actually felt better. Every day it became easier to walk- by the fourth day I was walking 2 or 3 miles a day. I have just started physical therapy last week. I'm going three times a week for 2+ hours a session at a local physical therapist's office. He is a very experienced orthopedic PT and I am so pleased to be working with him. It feels like such a privilege to drive 15 minutes to receive excellent care. Although he hasn't worked with anyone like me before, he has great experience with labral tears and this specific pelvic floor reconstruction surgery by Dr. Meyers. A lot of young male hockey players and wrestlers get the same surgery. Things are progressing slowly- I need to have deep adductor and piriformis "massage" every visit. I hate using the term massage because that gives the inclination that it feels even slightly good. The adductor massage is to break-up scar tissue that is forming from the surgery. It actually hasn't hurt too terribly because my muscles have been very loose. I believe I owe that to my dutiful walking every day. On the other hand, the piriformis is a whole other monster. Before surgery, my pain was coming solely from my piriformis and my obdurator internus. They are extremely tight, which makes sitting so uncomfortable. We're hoping the surgery is going to correct both of these problems. However right now my muscles are not happy about being put through surgery again. They have fired up and become even more tense, especially my piriformis. Two days ago, my PT said he needed a jackhammer to loosen them up. The massage has been on the border of being unbearable for the last two weeks. Today we used stim to help loosen the muscles, which seemed to work slightly. It was slightly easier to get through, and I'm considering that a victory. Hopefully they continue to loosen as I heal from the surgery.
Currently, I am trying to live in the moment, and take each day one step at a time. This surgery could possibly be the solution to all my pain, but I won't be able to tell for some time yet. So I am trying to be patient and trying to focus on recovery, like I always have. This is the third time I've had to re-learn how to walk, and I'll tell you that it doesn't get any easier. The worst part for me is the two or three weeks right after surgery. As much as I try to stay positive, I sink down and get depressed about dealing with even more pain and starting again from step 1. It's frustrating. I got very angry after this surgery and dealt with it inwardly, as I always seem to do. Sometimes, if I stop and think long enough, I think life is horribly unfair and get very jealous of the people walking around with easier lives. It's not right for me to judge other people's lives and consider my suffering much greater than theirs. The past week has been a real turnaround and I've dragged myself out of that hole. Self-pity, sulking, and jealousy isn't going to get me anywhere. Taking a step forward will. I'm continuing to walk as much as possible. Today I even ran my first mile. Ok, I lightly jogged my first mile in 12 minutes. But I had the biggest smile on my face while doing it. There is no better feeling than running for the first time after re-learning how to walk. There isn't. In those twelve minutes, I felt unstoppable and untouchable. I felt like I could do anything and overcome whatever life throws in my way. And even though I slowly hobbled to the mat to ice afterwards, I have never felt stronger. Those twelve minutes are a gift. But I would never have been able to experience them if I hadn't gotten myself up the couch and started walking. Keep taking those steps.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Newton's Third Law
Confession: The only reason I am updating tonight is because my head is about to explode from physics, specifically coefficients of static and kinetic friction. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that I know how to calculate the tension in cables supporting cat burglars and the acceleration of crates in moving banana truck beds. After a solid month of initiation into the realms of chemistry, biology, and physics, I can also tell you I love science and math. There is something very calming about being able to find a "correct" answer. However, I have not completely forgotten the right side of my brain. I miss writing. I miss critical thinking and debate. Sometimes I just want to shout out "heteronormativity" or the four pillars of Victorian womanhood from the back of class.
I have not written in awhile for a variety of reasons. I really needed time to take a step back and worry about myself. I also wanted my thoughts and feelings to be private so I could self-analyze. And as I said, school has taken off and my time is now very limited between classes, taking care of my health, and keeping my sanity. I need to take 10 prerequisite classes before I enter a DPT program and I am scheduling them all in less than a year. (A lot of people keep telling me I'm crazy, but these tend to be those who don't know me too well.) I'm not intimidated by the work I need to do to get where I want to be. I'm very confident I want to be a physical therapist- I want to help women and contribute all I can to research of the pelvic floor.
As always, a lot has happened since I last updated. My health continues to change, sometimes on a daily basis, (even I find it extremely exhausting to keep up.) The shorter version is I started experiencing right hip pain around a month ago. At first I thought I needed to take a break from exercising, so I rested for a few weeks. My symptoms kept getting worse, until one weekend I had a sharp pain in my hip that felt very much like a tear. I couldn't really walk without a crutch or cane, so I went in to see Dr. Coleman and get an emergency MRI. The results came back that it looked like a possible re-tear of my right hip (the one I had surgery on this past summer.) However, it's difficult to tell because scar tissue can also look like a re-tear. Around three weeks ago I had a steroid injection into the hip at the Hospital for Special Surgery and felt dramatically better after it kicked in 2 days later. Since then, I've been walking around with a cane and my SI belt. They are both very confining made me feel trapped. There are few things more frustrating to me than limiting my movement. Being active is such a huge component of who I am- all I want to do is run around, climb mountains, play tennis, dance... being stripped of that freedom and being forced to walk around with a cane is difficult. I tried to imagine the cane was my ice axe the first day, but my brain was not having it.
However, I have to interject that utilizing the cane is an interesting experience. As much as I hate being restricted, I am treated very differently when I walk with a cane. Strangers are so gracious and understanding. In a small way, it was nice to be recognized as a "sick" person or a person with chronic pain or whatever you want to identify it as. I think people tend to forget the pain I am feeling on a daily basis, which is normally great because I do want to blend in. But there are just a few times where I want my pain to outwardly be expressed. Perhaps for me, that validates it and visualizes something so invisible.
At first I was incredibly depressed. I think I felt defeated that yet another thing was wrong with me that we just fixed. I was also just starting to increase my workouts and making progress in regaining my strength and physical activities that mean so much to me. I was also upset that something went wrong when I have been incredibly careful after this surgery- always listening to my surgeon, physical therapist, specialist, etc. and not pushing myself. I felt I was being punished for finally doing things right and learning patience. Because my right hip was in pain, everything flared up, which meant more pain and difficulty sitting. There were a lot of days I spent locked in my room in the dark listening to Joni Mitchell on repeat. I really did want to give up this time and was only truly living for those around me and not myself. I knew that was dangerous and I needed a new attitude.
Don't ask me how it happened, but literally my outlook changed overnight. It was some sort of miracle because I desperately needed it- I may even go as far to call it grace. If the universe wanted to pick me up, the least I could do was accept the gift. I no longer saw myself as being trapped. I am grateful for the time to spend back at home, focusing on classes, and self-improvement. I have been doing extremely well in my classes (now that I'm not exercising or playing sports, my competitive energy needs to be fueled completely by school.) Doing well in class is giving me the self-confidence I need to keep working hard. I have also been able to read much more. So far I've been able to read around a book a week and make a dent in my very long reading list. I have also been practicing and playing the piano more. I find that having these three goals to focus on and devote energy to has helped keep me motivate and positive. I am also so thankful that I am back living at home, spending time with my parents and sisters that I never would have been able to if I was not in my current health position.
To bring you back to the present, I am currently going to my chiropractor often because my low and mid-back keep going out of alignment due to my hip instability. I was going a few times a week, but may finally be down to once a week if things continue to hold. I just stopped walking with a cane a few days ago and my right hip feels pretty good. I still feel a slight hint of pain and am constantly worried it will come back, and even worse that I am dealing with a re-tear. But we are still unsure of what is happening- I am going to continue to monitor my hip and limit all physical activities to light walking. I am getting traumeel injections by Dr. Kellogg every other week. It seems that vulvar pain is gone and is staying away. It's always my obdurator internus and piriformis that are tight and in severe pain. We reach these trigger points by hitting them inter-vaginally. I have stopped going to physical therapy because of the right hip and cannot do most of my original exercises. Finally, I am still scheduled for my surgery with Dr. Meyers on March 15th. This will be a pelvic floor reconstruction, which involves repair of the tears near my pubic synthesis and bilateral adductor release. I personally feel he might end up releasing my obdurator internus as well since it has been causing me so many problems, but that will have to be something he investigates while he's in there. After this surgery, the recovery is walking a mile a day to prevent scar tissue. I will also wait anxiously to see if I will need yet another hip surgery. But I am taking it one day at a time.
Newton is on my mind today since we spent all morning learning about forces of motion. According to his third law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I could not stop thinking in lecture how much that applies to my life. Sure, the universe has been throwing a lot of obstacles my way, but it is comforting and inspiring to know that I am reacting to it with an equal force. Whenever you feel weak, remember how much force you are opposing. Sure, sometimes we just want to fall down and be alone with Joni Mitchell in the dark, but most days we stay standing and continue to carry out our lives. That means we are just as strong as the forces against us, and (forgive me Newton and physics professor), but I daresay we are stronger than them.
I have not written in awhile for a variety of reasons. I really needed time to take a step back and worry about myself. I also wanted my thoughts and feelings to be private so I could self-analyze. And as I said, school has taken off and my time is now very limited between classes, taking care of my health, and keeping my sanity. I need to take 10 prerequisite classes before I enter a DPT program and I am scheduling them all in less than a year. (A lot of people keep telling me I'm crazy, but these tend to be those who don't know me too well.) I'm not intimidated by the work I need to do to get where I want to be. I'm very confident I want to be a physical therapist- I want to help women and contribute all I can to research of the pelvic floor.
As always, a lot has happened since I last updated. My health continues to change, sometimes on a daily basis, (even I find it extremely exhausting to keep up.) The shorter version is I started experiencing right hip pain around a month ago. At first I thought I needed to take a break from exercising, so I rested for a few weeks. My symptoms kept getting worse, until one weekend I had a sharp pain in my hip that felt very much like a tear. I couldn't really walk without a crutch or cane, so I went in to see Dr. Coleman and get an emergency MRI. The results came back that it looked like a possible re-tear of my right hip (the one I had surgery on this past summer.) However, it's difficult to tell because scar tissue can also look like a re-tear. Around three weeks ago I had a steroid injection into the hip at the Hospital for Special Surgery and felt dramatically better after it kicked in 2 days later. Since then, I've been walking around with a cane and my SI belt. They are both very confining made me feel trapped. There are few things more frustrating to me than limiting my movement. Being active is such a huge component of who I am- all I want to do is run around, climb mountains, play tennis, dance... being stripped of that freedom and being forced to walk around with a cane is difficult. I tried to imagine the cane was my ice axe the first day, but my brain was not having it.
However, I have to interject that utilizing the cane is an interesting experience. As much as I hate being restricted, I am treated very differently when I walk with a cane. Strangers are so gracious and understanding. In a small way, it was nice to be recognized as a "sick" person or a person with chronic pain or whatever you want to identify it as. I think people tend to forget the pain I am feeling on a daily basis, which is normally great because I do want to blend in. But there are just a few times where I want my pain to outwardly be expressed. Perhaps for me, that validates it and visualizes something so invisible.
At first I was incredibly depressed. I think I felt defeated that yet another thing was wrong with me that we just fixed. I was also just starting to increase my workouts and making progress in regaining my strength and physical activities that mean so much to me. I was also upset that something went wrong when I have been incredibly careful after this surgery- always listening to my surgeon, physical therapist, specialist, etc. and not pushing myself. I felt I was being punished for finally doing things right and learning patience. Because my right hip was in pain, everything flared up, which meant more pain and difficulty sitting. There were a lot of days I spent locked in my room in the dark listening to Joni Mitchell on repeat. I really did want to give up this time and was only truly living for those around me and not myself. I knew that was dangerous and I needed a new attitude.
Don't ask me how it happened, but literally my outlook changed overnight. It was some sort of miracle because I desperately needed it- I may even go as far to call it grace. If the universe wanted to pick me up, the least I could do was accept the gift. I no longer saw myself as being trapped. I am grateful for the time to spend back at home, focusing on classes, and self-improvement. I have been doing extremely well in my classes (now that I'm not exercising or playing sports, my competitive energy needs to be fueled completely by school.) Doing well in class is giving me the self-confidence I need to keep working hard. I have also been able to read much more. So far I've been able to read around a book a week and make a dent in my very long reading list. I have also been practicing and playing the piano more. I find that having these three goals to focus on and devote energy to has helped keep me motivate and positive. I am also so thankful that I am back living at home, spending time with my parents and sisters that I never would have been able to if I was not in my current health position.
To bring you back to the present, I am currently going to my chiropractor often because my low and mid-back keep going out of alignment due to my hip instability. I was going a few times a week, but may finally be down to once a week if things continue to hold. I just stopped walking with a cane a few days ago and my right hip feels pretty good. I still feel a slight hint of pain and am constantly worried it will come back, and even worse that I am dealing with a re-tear. But we are still unsure of what is happening- I am going to continue to monitor my hip and limit all physical activities to light walking. I am getting traumeel injections by Dr. Kellogg every other week. It seems that vulvar pain is gone and is staying away. It's always my obdurator internus and piriformis that are tight and in severe pain. We reach these trigger points by hitting them inter-vaginally. I have stopped going to physical therapy because of the right hip and cannot do most of my original exercises. Finally, I am still scheduled for my surgery with Dr. Meyers on March 15th. This will be a pelvic floor reconstruction, which involves repair of the tears near my pubic synthesis and bilateral adductor release. I personally feel he might end up releasing my obdurator internus as well since it has been causing me so many problems, but that will have to be something he investigates while he's in there. After this surgery, the recovery is walking a mile a day to prevent scar tissue. I will also wait anxiously to see if I will need yet another hip surgery. But I am taking it one day at a time.
Newton is on my mind today since we spent all morning learning about forces of motion. According to his third law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I could not stop thinking in lecture how much that applies to my life. Sure, the universe has been throwing a lot of obstacles my way, but it is comforting and inspiring to know that I am reacting to it with an equal force. Whenever you feel weak, remember how much force you are opposing. Sure, sometimes we just want to fall down and be alone with Joni Mitchell in the dark, but most days we stay standing and continue to carry out our lives. That means we are just as strong as the forces against us, and (forgive me Newton and physics professor), but I daresay we are stronger than them.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Long post coming soon...
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us."
-Pema Chödrön
-Pema Chödrön
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