I hope everyone is having a good holiday. I had a good time with my family and now I'm off to Australia for two weeks and then Chicago for a week. I will try and answer some more emails while I'm gone and perhaps update. Right now I have made an appointment with Dr. Kellogg of the Pelvic and Sexual Health Institute in Philadelphia. Her first available was the beginning of February, so I'm interested to hear what she has to say.
Since the flight is going to be 21 hours today, I brought a lot of Lidocaine patches. I also plan on getting up and moving so I am not sitting too long.
Have a Happy New Year!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Back to Basics
I'm a little too proud of the clever title of today's post. I'm in the middle of finals, but finally have some time to sit down and update. For all those who have emailed me this past week- I promise I will get back to you very shortly. I'm currently in a Border's after my first appointment back to Beyond Basics. Currently searching for a power outlet... why are there never enough? Physical therapy today was very difficult. As much as I take pride in being proactive, there is also something to be said for not having any PT for three weeks. I've been so focused on my tonsils and getting through that surgery, that I forgot about dealing with this problem. That may seem a little crazy, but I'm sure others will agree. It still hurts just as muc, but when I am not going to therapy or specialist appointments, I also don't have to face and constantly re-access my health condition. Obviously that's what we should be trying to do in order to get better, but it is nice to have that burden lifted for even a short while. I almost convince myself I'm living a normal life. But I digress. Today was back to reality, and a pretty harsh reality check at that.
I've noticed these past two weeks that my gluteus muscles in particular have been extremely tight and uncontrollable. By this I mean they are constantly in a locked position and no matter what I do, they are impossible to release. This is what makes sitting so difficult and painful. Today we did a lot of deep connective tissue work, which had me jumping off the table. I am usually pretty good at just breathing and relaxing and handling the pain, but my muscles were fired up. It was very noticeable, and it might have been the tightest I have been in months. Interestingly, my right side was the most painful. Stacey thinks I'm overcompensating again for my left hip. I also have to go back now and get an MRI of my right hip because there might be something be wrong. I'll have to go back, because I thought I did have my right hip looked at, but maybe things have changed. I sure hope not.
Below is a diagram of your glutes just so I can better demonstrate where the pain was radiating from. If you look at the bottom of the red muscles, the pain was strongest on the inside, following that reddish curve upwards. It was a sharp, direct pain, and now that it has been worked on, is pulsing and extremely sensitive.
This is where all the work was done today and it was greatly needed. I felt a little release when I tried sitting again, but the problem is I'm too sore and in pain to notice a difference just yet. I think after tomorrow I should see some improvement. We went over some better ways for me to sit. First of all, if you ever see me cross my legs, yell at me. I always forget since it's such a natural inclination. I should be sitting all the way back in a chair with my stomach released and my legs positioned at 90 degree angles. Even more important, when I am ready to stand, I have to keep my legs straight (and not turn them inwards) and stand up with equal pressure on both sides of my body. These are things I need to try and be more conscious of because I'm sure they will make a difference in the contraction of my muscles. Now that I'm surgery-free, I also need to get back on the elliptical to loosen up my body, as well as resume core work, hip stretches, and dilator exercises. So, it's back to work and back to basics. (Oh circular narratives...)
I've noticed these past two weeks that my gluteus muscles in particular have been extremely tight and uncontrollable. By this I mean they are constantly in a locked position and no matter what I do, they are impossible to release. This is what makes sitting so difficult and painful. Today we did a lot of deep connective tissue work, which had me jumping off the table. I am usually pretty good at just breathing and relaxing and handling the pain, but my muscles were fired up. It was very noticeable, and it might have been the tightest I have been in months. Interestingly, my right side was the most painful. Stacey thinks I'm overcompensating again for my left hip. I also have to go back now and get an MRI of my right hip because there might be something be wrong. I'll have to go back, because I thought I did have my right hip looked at, but maybe things have changed. I sure hope not.
Below is a diagram of your glutes just so I can better demonstrate where the pain was radiating from. If you look at the bottom of the red muscles, the pain was strongest on the inside, following that reddish curve upwards. It was a sharp, direct pain, and now that it has been worked on, is pulsing and extremely sensitive.
This is where all the work was done today and it was greatly needed. I felt a little release when I tried sitting again, but the problem is I'm too sore and in pain to notice a difference just yet. I think after tomorrow I should see some improvement. We went over some better ways for me to sit. First of all, if you ever see me cross my legs, yell at me. I always forget since it's such a natural inclination. I should be sitting all the way back in a chair with my stomach released and my legs positioned at 90 degree angles. Even more important, when I am ready to stand, I have to keep my legs straight (and not turn them inwards) and stand up with equal pressure on both sides of my body. These are things I need to try and be more conscious of because I'm sure they will make a difference in the contraction of my muscles. Now that I'm surgery-free, I also need to get back on the elliptical to loosen up my body, as well as resume core work, hip stretches, and dilator exercises. So, it's back to work and back to basics. (Oh circular narratives...)
Monday, December 7, 2009
Body Image
By age 17, 78% of American girls are unhappy with their bodies.
The average American woman is 5’4” tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5’11” tall and weighs 117 pounds.
One out of every four college aged women has an eating disorder.
Love starts with you! Consciously look in the mirror every day and cherish the person staring back at you. Life is too short to obsess over pounds and inches. Get off the scale, but maintain healthy habits. Learn to see your beauty. Love your body!
The average American woman is 5’4” tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5’11” tall and weighs 117 pounds.
One out of every four college aged women has an eating disorder.
Love starts with you! Consciously look in the mirror every day and cherish the person staring back at you. Life is too short to obsess over pounds and inches. Get off the scale, but maintain healthy habits. Learn to see your beauty. Love your body!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Emails- Discussion Encouraged!
I have been getting a lot of emails lately, addressing a wide-range of topics. There are some that I'm very eager to talk about and to hear what other thoughts people might have.
First of all, I have had a lot of encouraging emails lately from women offering hope. And I wish I could send those right along to those women who write from a very dark and frightened place. It's difficult to keep in mind that there are many women out there who have gotten completely better with certain treatments. We just don't hear from them as much because now that they're cured, they don't have to search for answers like some of us continue to do.
I've had a lot of women bring up Dr. Goldstein from The Center for Vulvovaginal Disorders in DC. I have heard information about him, but never looked into contacting him about my own case. But it seems that may be a step I want to take now, especially because I am currently without a specialist directing my path. Here is his website in case you would like more information: http://www.cvvd.org/
I already called his office today, but no answer, and still have not heard back from the message I left. I will try again tomorrow. I am curious to see the next appointment he has available for new patients and if he takes my insurance. I think at this point I really need to go back to a doctor and take a more concrete plan of action. Because while I do feel my hip has been involved in this, I also think my problems are multi-fold and need to be addressed on many fronts.
So I will keep you informed as I learn more about that- has anyone else seen Dr. Goldstein? Comments?
Finally, I've also received several emails discussing intimate relationships with loved ones and the pressure and pain that accompany physical contact. While many too often sexualize vulvar vestibulitis and other vulvovaginal disorders, that doesn't mean that there are difficulties with physical intimacy and sexual relations. These still need to be discussed, and I can see through the emails that many wish they could speak out more about this issue. How do you build a relationship when you feel there's a part of yourself that you can't give? I know a lot of us feel guilty, inadequate, not good enough. This is not healthy for any relationship.
I know a few women have even brought up the topic of fluid sexuality- in this case, beginning to be more drawn to women. With a relationship or intimate friendship with a woman, the playing field if a little different- there's much less guilt and feelings of being "broken," or "sick." When intercourse is removed, it's a lot easier to feel relief. And this might be a confusing topic for those who haven't learned about queer theory or sexuality courses. And I want to get more into it later, but wanted to broach the subject tonight because I know it hasn't been talked about and want others to know that if they have ever thought about it- they're not alone.
I also would love to hear anyone's thoughts or advice about anything in this post. Comment annonymously if you do not feel comfortable, but let's hear what you all have to say.
(On a side note, I'm doing much better as far as my tonsils are conscerned. I am almost back to normal after a long two weeks. It's nice to taste solid food again. Starting up physical therapy next week, as well as the gym and dilators at night.)
First of all, I have had a lot of encouraging emails lately from women offering hope. And I wish I could send those right along to those women who write from a very dark and frightened place. It's difficult to keep in mind that there are many women out there who have gotten completely better with certain treatments. We just don't hear from them as much because now that they're cured, they don't have to search for answers like some of us continue to do.
I've had a lot of women bring up Dr. Goldstein from The Center for Vulvovaginal Disorders in DC. I have heard information about him, but never looked into contacting him about my own case. But it seems that may be a step I want to take now, especially because I am currently without a specialist directing my path. Here is his website in case you would like more information: http://www.cvvd.org/
I already called his office today, but no answer, and still have not heard back from the message I left. I will try again tomorrow. I am curious to see the next appointment he has available for new patients and if he takes my insurance. I think at this point I really need to go back to a doctor and take a more concrete plan of action. Because while I do feel my hip has been involved in this, I also think my problems are multi-fold and need to be addressed on many fronts.
So I will keep you informed as I learn more about that- has anyone else seen Dr. Goldstein? Comments?
Finally, I've also received several emails discussing intimate relationships with loved ones and the pressure and pain that accompany physical contact. While many too often sexualize vulvar vestibulitis and other vulvovaginal disorders, that doesn't mean that there are difficulties with physical intimacy and sexual relations. These still need to be discussed, and I can see through the emails that many wish they could speak out more about this issue. How do you build a relationship when you feel there's a part of yourself that you can't give? I know a lot of us feel guilty, inadequate, not good enough. This is not healthy for any relationship.
I know a few women have even brought up the topic of fluid sexuality- in this case, beginning to be more drawn to women. With a relationship or intimate friendship with a woman, the playing field if a little different- there's much less guilt and feelings of being "broken," or "sick." When intercourse is removed, it's a lot easier to feel relief. And this might be a confusing topic for those who haven't learned about queer theory or sexuality courses. And I want to get more into it later, but wanted to broach the subject tonight because I know it hasn't been talked about and want others to know that if they have ever thought about it- they're not alone.
I also would love to hear anyone's thoughts or advice about anything in this post. Comment annonymously if you do not feel comfortable, but let's hear what you all have to say.
(On a side note, I'm doing much better as far as my tonsils are conscerned. I am almost back to normal after a long two weeks. It's nice to taste solid food again. Starting up physical therapy next week, as well as the gym and dilators at night.)
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Not Very Talkative
This will have to be a quick update from my couch. This past Thursday I got my tonsils out, so I've been spending most of my time sleeping or lying down.
I was on antibiotics so much pre-surgery, that I did in fact get a yeast infection on Tuesday. I tried to eat as much yogurt and pro-biodics as possible, but it looks like I still can't catch a break. The good news is I diagnosed myself, and just went into the health center on campus to get it confirmed. Luckily I could still get the surgery on Thursday.
So everything is on a hold right now. Obviously no dilator exercises with a yeast infection. No working out after surgery. I'm just catching up on some couch time for two weeks. I've gotten a few emails in the past couple of days, I wanted to let everyone know that I am getting back to you. Just give me a few days to get back into action.
I was on antibiotics so much pre-surgery, that I did in fact get a yeast infection on Tuesday. I tried to eat as much yogurt and pro-biodics as possible, but it looks like I still can't catch a break. The good news is I diagnosed myself, and just went into the health center on campus to get it confirmed. Luckily I could still get the surgery on Thursday.
So everything is on a hold right now. Obviously no dilator exercises with a yeast infection. No working out after surgery. I'm just catching up on some couch time for two weeks. I've gotten a few emails in the past couple of days, I wanted to let everyone know that I am getting back to you. Just give me a few days to get back into action.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
What a week
This week has been... indescribable. A lot of things have been happening. But let's get back to health. I went to physical therapy at the beginning of this week and won't be going for another three weeks. This Thursday I will be getting my tonsils out, so I need to spend some time focusing on that operation.
I am pretty proud of my dilator routine. I usually make excuses, but this whole week I've been doing the exercises at least twice a day. At this point I have made it up to medium plus, which is the largest I have. It still hurts quite a bit upon insertion, but then the stretching exercises don't bother me. It also gets a lot easier each time I insert in one round of exercises. I'm not quite sure why this is, but maybe I am training the nerves to become desensitized.
This hasn't been a great week for sitting. I'm hoping this doesn't correlate to me being able to work out again. All I've been doing is 20 minutes on the elliptical and arm exercises.
I feel like things have been very structured in my last posts, more like lists. So I leave you with a poem I just wrote. I'm learning to appreciate things in life more and doing things that make me happy. Hooray!
I am pretty proud of my dilator routine. I usually make excuses, but this whole week I've been doing the exercises at least twice a day. At this point I have made it up to medium plus, which is the largest I have. It still hurts quite a bit upon insertion, but then the stretching exercises don't bother me. It also gets a lot easier each time I insert in one round of exercises. I'm not quite sure why this is, but maybe I am training the nerves to become desensitized.
This hasn't been a great week for sitting. I'm hoping this doesn't correlate to me being able to work out again. All I've been doing is 20 minutes on the elliptical and arm exercises.
I feel like things have been very structured in my last posts, more like lists. So I leave you with a poem I just wrote. I'm learning to appreciate things in life more and doing things that make me happy. Hooray!
arise from your slumber,
you cannot walk your path if you do not wake.
face the darkened silence and shadows,you cannot walk your path if you do not wake.
the moon will show you the way.
free yourself from structures and boundaries,
you cannot climb with this extra weight.
forget what has been and defy what will be.
this single step is all that matters.
fight through doubt and definitions.
let each moment shape your Being.
find yourself and make peace.
the dawn has given you wings.
fly past the sunrise, over your mountain.
free yourself from structures and boundaries,
you cannot climb with this extra weight.
forget what has been and defy what will be.
this single step is all that matters.
fight through doubt and definitions.
let each moment shape your Being.
find yourself and make peace.
the dawn has given you wings.
fly past the sunrise, over your mountain.
your soul has been set on fire.
arise from your slumber,
Wake, so that your adventure can begin.
arise from your slumber,
Wake, so that your adventure can begin.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A Couple Quick Things...
Just a few quick things...
Went to physical therapy this week and it was great- things seemed to be a lot better. I wish I could feel the results, but I'm staying patient. Still working with the dilators as much as I can every day. I'm also working on developing my emotional relationships much more than my physical ones. It has made me feel more fulfilled and doesn't put as much pressure on me.
Also just started to go back to the gym now that I'm off steroids. It felt great, but unfortunately I'll have to stop in a week and a half when I go into surgery.
I've made it to #7 of the Wellsphere Blogger competition. Thank you all for your support. Please keep voting if you haven't already- it's so important that we raise awareness together.
Finally I also am very proud of a recent photo exhibit I did for campus for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You can see the article here: http://www.tcnjmagazine.com/?p=2026&archive=October%202009 as well as view all the photos at the bottom.
Went to physical therapy this week and it was great- things seemed to be a lot better. I wish I could feel the results, but I'm staying patient. Still working with the dilators as much as I can every day. I'm also working on developing my emotional relationships much more than my physical ones. It has made me feel more fulfilled and doesn't put as much pressure on me.
Also just started to go back to the gym now that I'm off steroids. It felt great, but unfortunately I'll have to stop in a week and a half when I go into surgery.
I've made it to #7 of the Wellsphere Blogger competition. Thank you all for your support. Please keep voting if you haven't already- it's so important that we raise awareness together.
Finally I also am very proud of a recent photo exhibit I did for campus for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You can see the article here: http://www.tcnjmagazine.com/?p=2026&archive=October%202009 as well as view all the photos at the bottom.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Sunrise
"O daylight break, so particles may resound,
so the atmosphere and the heavens will turn,
and so souls, headless and legless, will dance.
Let me whisper into your ear where this all goes on."
so the atmosphere and the heavens will turn,
and so souls, headless and legless, will dance.
Let me whisper into your ear where this all goes on."
This how lucky I am. I had a wonderful friend who knew I was upset and picked me up early this morning. We drove in the darkness to the Delaware River and watched the sun rise. And you know what? It will continue to rise every morning.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Happy Anniversary
I had physical therapy again today. Apparently things seem to be getting better. But I wish I could feel the results more. Just a little something to keep me going.
It's been exactly a year since I started going to PT in New York. I understand I've been through a lot and come a long way, but I was hoping for better results after a year.
This might have a lot to do with the fact that I'm getting off steroids from my tonsillitis, but just tired and feel very alone tonight. I wish I had answers.
It's been exactly a year since I started going to PT in New York. I understand I've been through a lot and come a long way, but I was hoping for better results after a year.
This might have a lot to do with the fact that I'm getting off steroids from my tonsillitis, but just tired and feel very alone tonight. I wish I had answers.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Really?
Things have been difficult recently. Like I said, a few weeks ago I got a bad case of tonsillitis. Well it seems that infection never cleared up because I got it again this past week, along with a very bad sinus infection. This is a big problem since my tonsillectomy is supposed to be November 19th. Because I've been confined to my bed most of the time, I've had to cancel going to New York and doing physical therapy. I have tried to do my dilator exercises at home and have gone up to the medium. While I'm doing my exercises, I also have to stretch out my hips.
I am also supposed to be doing the elliptical for 15 minutes a couple of times a week- I've only been able to go once because I've been sick so much. I can really feel how weak my hip is and need to start exercising, not only for my sanity, but so my health can really start improving.
Just another reminder that the Wellsphere competition is still going on. At one point I was #8, but I've dropped down to #12. Please take the time to vote by clicking on the right hand of this website. Help me bring awareness.
I am also supposed to be doing the elliptical for 15 minutes a couple of times a week- I've only been able to go once because I've been sick so much. I can really feel how weak my hip is and need to start exercising, not only for my sanity, but so my health can really start improving.
Just another reminder that the Wellsphere competition is still going on. At one point I was #8, but I've dropped down to #12. Please take the time to vote by clicking on the right hand of this website. Help me bring awareness.
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