Specialist Part II

I did not like taking the Elavil because it made me extremely tired. I would take the medication around 5:00 pm every day because it takes around 14 hours to wear off. I began getting too much sleep, 10- 12 hours a night. And even after getting all this sleep, I still woke up every morning tired and groggy. I became very limited in what I could do because I couldn't function at night. It was difficult to keep up with schoolwork since my days were shortened. But I kept increasing my medication every week, hoping for results. 

Two weeks ago, when I was taking 50 mg of Elavil, I had quite a scare. I had practiced tennis in the morning and was taking a quick shower before my afternoon class. I came out of the shower, put up my bathrobe, and sat on my bed quickly to check my email. Next thing I knew, I had fallen asleep for 3 hours, completely missing my afternoon class and barely making my night class. I had gotten 11 hours of sleep the night before...

These past two weeks I have become extremely frustrated with the limits of the medication and of VVS. I was having pain when running certain sprints at tennis practice. I was always in a state of tiredness and just didn't feel myself. I was also going through a bad breakup with my boyfriend of 15 months. I wasn't sure why he decided to leave, and I still don't know to this day. But I find myself blaming VVS and wishing we could have gone back to a time when I wasn't sick and wasn't in need of so much support and help. I am having difficulty fighting alone now, even though I know I have my family and friends around me. I always wonder if things would have been different if I never got sick.

This past Wednesday was one of the hardest days to get through. During morning tennis practice, I felt increasingly tired, even though I had been getting 12 hours of sleep. I was fine at practice the day before and Wednesday's was no different. Regardless, an hour into the practice I dropped my racquet and excused myself to the bathroom where I found myself falling to the ground, clutching the sink. I burst into tears because I felt awful. I couldn't keep my head up and couldn't keep my eyes open. Luckily my teammates found me and got me sitting against a wall. I was aware of my surroundings, but found myself going in and out of consciousness. I went through another breakdown and I became hysterical, crying because I didn't have control over my body, and I began to have a sharp, piercing, and burning pain around my vulva. The trainer was called and they brought me to Health Services on campus. There wasn't much for them to do, but I did get motrin and iced the area. My head began to feel much better since I was lying down, and my dad came to pick me up and take me home.

The following day my mom and I went to an already scheduled appointment with Dr. Nyirjesy. I know I have been describing the exams as excruciating, but this time was the worst it's ever been. I was trying to be strong, especially because my mom was sitting there and she gets very upset when she sees me in pain. But I could barely keep my legs open and I started tearing. Why are things getting worse? What am I doing wrong? And how much worse can it get at this point? Yet again, we went into his office and decided on a new plan of action. I have been taking off the Elavil, although I'm still taking one pill at night for a couple of days because I am going through withdrawal. Sometimes I get very bad headaches and nausea, but these seem elementary compared to what I'm used to dealing with. I have now been put back on the Estrace cream twice a week. This is because for the first time, my tests from inside the vagina came back showing very low levels of estrogen. I do not know why my levels are so low- the doctor said high intensity athletes tend to have less body fat and produce less estrogen, so it may be getting lower the further I get into regular tennis season. 

I have also been put on an Elavil cream twice a day to prevent any further side effects. It is a mixture of medicines that has to be made in Maryland and then shipped back to me. He also told me it's time to think about physical therapy 2-3 times a week, but he doesn't want to start that until 6 weeks or so after applying these creams so we can tell what exactly is working. I don't know when I'm going to have the time for therapy, but at least I'm not sleeping 12 hours a night anymore.

I had another breakdown Thursday night after going to the specialist. Sometimes it feels like a wave of emotions just hit me and I start crying and thinking I can't go on like this anymore. I am so tired of fighting. But I want to mention that I called home Thursday night and my dad (so far unmentioned) was the one who helped me turn myself around. He gave one hell of an inspirational speech on the phone. He told me to keep fighting because I am not a quitter. Since I didn't want to be alone Thursday night, I called a good friend and spent the night with her. I can't thank her enough for being there for me. After having these people pull me up, I got inspired to write a blog about everything going on in my life. I felt it was the perfect opportunity to release all my emotions and finally inform people in my life what I'm really going through and maybe they'll have a better understanding. I also want so badly to help other sufferers. I know I'd jump at an opportunity to read what another woman is going through and be able to comment, ask questions, and learn new information.

I end today utterly exhausted. Tomorrow I have to begin to catch up on all the schoolwork I have missed. I am not looking forward to talking to my professors on Monday and explaining why I missed so much class. I wish so badly at night that I'll wake up in the morning and things will go back to the way they were. I want my life back. I still don't accept this burden I have to carry. I feel I don't deserve it and it is the last thing I want to deal with now. The pain has been so bad lately and I don't know what to do. I hate not having control over my body. I want order. I want peace.